the problems we weave
by orange-tide
Summary: People added, people gone. Learning the acceptance of losing a loved one and how to deal with an addition of one. Please Read and Review! COMPLETED!
1. Something Not Expected

Marissa walked into her new mansion of a home. She despised this place. Marissa would rather live with Jimmy and Hayley in the apartment. This place had no originality, while the apartment did. Seth and Summer had spent so much time redoing her room, especially the Paris mural. Marissa had underestimated Seth Cohen. He really was amazing. Summer was lucky. But Marissa had Ryan. At least she thought she did. After everything with Theresa and the baby, Marissa and Ryan weren't the closest right now. Marissa sighed. She hated this life and there was no getting out of it.  
  
Julie Nichol heard her daughter come in. Julie was so excited. Soon, she'd have a full family. She left the kitchen and met Marissa at the door.  
"Hey Marissa." Julie did try hard to have an okay relationship with her daughter. She only did what she thought was right. Julie couldn't help that she was incredibly overprotective of Marissa, especially with Ryan Atwood in the vicinity.  
"Hey Mom."  
"How was your day?"  
"It was fine." Marissa began to go up the steps to her room.  
"No wait, Marissa honey."  
"What?"  
"I have a surprise for you."  
"I'm not really in the mood for surprises." Julie could tell Marissa was obviously not happy.  
"Please?" Most of the time, Julie's begging would have never worked, but on this day, it actually did. Marissa stopped and stared at her mother with ignorant eyes.  
"What is it?" Julie smiled broadly and ran to the living room as fast as she could in her heels. She motioned to her surprise and ran back. The surprise followed annoyingly.  
"Look who I found."  
  
"Kaitlin." Marissa stared at her younger sister, who she hadn't seen in such a long time. Kaitlin had been at a boarding school for so long. Marissa stepped back down the stairs.  
"Hey 'Rissa." Kaitlin shined one of her most sincere smiles Marissa had ever seen. Kaitlin walked up to her and they hugged.  
"What are you doing here?" Marissa was so confused. Kaitlin despised their mother more than her.  
"Mom got me out of boarding school. I'm staying here." Kaitlin was a better actor than Marissa. She could fool their mother at any given time. She had never really showed her disgust for Julie Nichol. Marissa, on the other hand, did. She wanted her mother to know she did not voluntarily want to live here. She had been blackmailed.  
"That's great, Kaitlin."  
"Yeh, isn't it?" Kaitlin had been the best liar in the family.  
"Well, girls, I just need to finish up something. Marissa, can you show kaitlin her new room? It's right across from yours."  
"Sure Mom."  
"Oh, I'm so happy we're a family." Julie put both girls into a hug neither wanted.  
"Yeh, me too." Marissa added sarcastically. Julie left and Kaitlin ran back to the living room to grab her lone bag. Marissa went up the stairs and showed Kaitlin her room. They barely said a word, only when necessary.  
Marissa went into her room and headed for her secret stash. She took a swig of the alcohol. It was bitter sweet. Just the way Marissa liked it.  
"Hey." Marissa jumped and quickly dropped the bottle that she just enough time to recap. It fell upon a tiny clothes pile Marissa formed looking for something to wear this morning. Marissa turned to face her sister at the door frame.  
"Hey." Marissa returned the gesture.  
"I see I'm not the only Cooper who likes to have a little swig now and then."  
"It's nothing."  
"Don't worry. I won't tell. Just tell me where you got it. I haven't had a drink in a while."  
"What, wasn't there enough drunken parties on the east coast?"  
"No, there were plenty. I just couldn't get to them."  
"When is the last time you remember being sober?"  
"I'm sober right now. Of course, my drinking was never really a problem."  
"Oh, right. So what was the reason for that two year stint at the boarding school?"  
"Mom was afraid I'd turn in an alcoholic."  
"You were thirteen, and getting wasted. You snuck out like every night." Marissa still really hadn't forgiven Kaitlin for leaving.  
"I was in a tiny depression. I'm over it. I only like a drink now and then. But obviously, you have to get over your depression."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Marissa was getting pissed. Kaitlin acted like she knew everything.  
"You tell me. I'm not the one who's been here for the last two years. The last phone call I got, was Dad saying he was getting divorced. Then Mom calls telling me she remarried, and wants me to live with her."  
" Well, that was your own fault."  
"Yeh, I know that. But if it wasn't for you, I'd still be there."  
"What?"  
"I wasn't gonna live here. But when I heard you moved in here too, I figured you would need help with Mommie Dearest." Kaitlin flashed one of the most evil smiles Marissa had ever seen. It was a conniving smile, one filled with evil, hatred, and a plan forming with it. The two girls stared at each other for a moment, and then kaitlin left the room Marissa sighed and grabbed the bottle. She chugged the rest down.  
  
Seth Cohen let the phone ring again. This was getting ridiculous. He hadn't done anything wrong. Seth just left fro some time to find himself. He had to find himself. Okay, he didn't really find himself fully, and he had a broken arm to show for it. Seth tried to explain to Summer, but she didn't want to her it. She was pissed at him.  
"Hi, this is Summer, but I'm not here right now. So leave a message after the beep. Oh, and if this is Cohen, just hang up now." Obviously Summer had changed her message in the time between Seth's calls. About 10 minutes. But Seth still waited for the beep.  
"Hey, Summer. It's Seth again. I know I've been bugging you and everything, but I really want to explain. 'Cause you know, I didn't really mean to hurt you and if I did, I'm really, really sorry for it. I just hope that one day we can look back and laugh about this, and hopefully that's like tomorrow 'cause I'm like super sorry and I just want to forget it 'cause it was stupid and I suppose it was " The machine cut off. Seth used up all his time again. So as he mentally yelled at himslef, Ryan walked in.  
"Hey." He said.  
" Hey. So, how's life for you? Must be better than mine."  
"What, Summer still not returning your calls?" Ryan went into the refrigerator and grabbed a soda.  
"Yeh. Hey, any pudding in there?"  
"Yeh, there is. What is up with your obsession with pudding?" Ryan answered as he threw Seth a cup of pudding.  
"I don' know, man. It's just really, really good." Seth said with his mouth full of pudding.  
"Whatever. Have you talked to Marissa lately?"  
"See, man, me and Marissa? Not on the greatest of terms. Though I should be calling her step-aunt Marissa." Seth laughed. The Cohen-Nichol- Cooper family was so confusing now. Practically everyone in Newport was related to the other. Except for Ryan. Summer might even be related to someone, too. Other than her immediate family. Seth had lost track.  
"Very funny. But I should call her." Ryan left the kitchen and headed to the pool house. Seth finished up his oh-so-good pudding and headed to his room. He would try Summer one more time, and if she didn't pick up, Seth was done. For the day. 


	2. The Crying Room

"Hello?" Marissa was still a little tipsy form her drink.  
"Hey." Ryan said from over the phone.  
"Ryan, hi. What's up?" Marissa was surprised Ryan would call.  
"Nothing. Just wondering how you were."  
"Well, I'm fine." How could someone not love Ryan Atwood? He cared so much. No matter how bad Marissa screwed up, Ryan would always care about her.  
"Good. Um, so you wanna do something today?"  
"Uh, yeh. Sure. You can just come over and we can hang."  
"All right. Cool. Bye."  
"Bye." Marissa hung up having totally forgotten about Kaitlin. It took a few seconds to remember her. Her head was definitely not working. The alcohol began to work. But Ryan couldn't know that. Marissa rushed to the bathroom and brushed her teeth about 3 times. Once she spit out the bloody toothpaste, she splashed cold water on her face. Marissa dried her face, but then realized her makeup was smeared. So she had to reapply her makeup. All this prepping just to hang out. Marissa stared in the judgmental mirror and hated what she saw. What was wrong with her? Why did she drink all that alcohol? Because you're a fearful drunk, Marissa's inner voice said. "No. I am not a drunk. I'm fine." Oh, but you are a drunk and you know it. "That's Kaitlin. Not me." Marissa was on the verge of tears.  
"What about me?" Kaitlin popped her head in the door. She was excellent at coming in at the wrong time.  
"Nothing. Just talking to myself." Marissa shook the idea of crying. She refused to cry. "Whatever. I think your boyfriend or something is at the door." Marissa could hear the faint doorbell. "See?"  
"Thanks for answering the door." Marissa said as she bounded down the stairs with Kaitlin following. Ryan was indeed at the door, looking ready to leave. Marissa urgently opened the door, and startled Ryan.  
"Hey. Thought you weren't home." Ryan said.  
"No, I'm here. Um, you know how I told you I had a younger sister?"  
  
"Yeh "  
"Well, my mother wrangled her in. She's living here now."  
"Great." Ryan followed Marissa into the living room where Kaitlin sat. Kaitlin got up an hadn't seen Ryan yet.  
"So, where is your..." Kaitlin saw Ryan. "Ryan."  
  
Suddenly everything was silent. After a few moments, Marissa couldn't take it anymore. "You know Ryan?" She stared at her sister. "Yeh, we met a couple years back." A couple years back was Kaitlin's party girl years.  
"So, how did you meet?" Marissa refused to look at Ryan. And both stared at the ground. "We met at a party." Ryan didn't want to be at this party. He wasn't in the mood. But Trey forced him to go. And Trey would beat the shit out of Ryan if he defied him. Everyone was already wasted, and most people were making out. Ryan rolled his eyes and just began to walk around. On a couch close by, Kaitlin Cooper was being hit on. She was incredibly wasted. But she still knew right from wrong. And this guy next to her was wrong. He only wanted to have sex with her. The guy began his moves on Kaitlin and she pushed him off. She was too drunk to make a rash decision about having sex. But this guy wouldn't stop. He just kept trying. Ryan glanced over, and saw Kaitlin pushing the guy off and the guy continuing to get back on her. Ryan walked over, fully aware that this was none of his business. Kaitlin was incredibly uncomfortable and wished to be anywhere else. Ryan's eyes met with Kaitlin's and he saw the fear in them. He didn't even know this girl. But he wanted to help her.  
"No, stop it." Kaitlin continued to say this to the guy. But he wouldn't. She was stuck. There was nowhere else to go.  
"Get off of her." Ryan said to the guy. The guy acknowledged him and got up to look at Ryan.  
"What, this your girl?" The guy said. Kaitlin seemed glued to her spot in fear.  
"No, but that's not the point. She said no."  
"You think you're tough?"  
"I don't know, but "Ryan never finished his sentence. The guy gave Ryan a good blow to the head. It took him off guard and Ryan stumbled back a bit. Kaitlin shrieked as the guy went back to her. Why hadn't she run? The guy was just about to have his way with her, when someone tapped the guy's shoulder. The guy looked back, only to see Ryan's fist slamming into his head.  
"Go." Ryan said to Kaitlin and she got her legs to work. Both snuck out hoping not to find the guy or any of his friends.  
"Thanks." Kaitlin said to Ryan when they got far enough from the party.  
"No problem."  
"You don't even know me, and you just helped me out so much."  
"There's no good excuse for not helping you."  
" But thank you so much, uh, um, help me out here." Kaitlin urged.  
"Ryan."  
"Ryan. Thanks a lot."  
"It's fine."  
"Well, I have to go back home. I snuck out, and my parents will freak if I'm missing." "See you." Kaitlin didn't know what compelled her, but she found herself kissing Ryan. They shared an intimate kiss, and Kaitlin left. Trey walked out of the party, obviously drunk, hanging out with the guy from earlier. They saw Ryan and headed towards him. Ryan ran faster than he did in life...  
Neither Kaitlin nor Ryan ever forgot that night. They met a couple times after, nothing huge. Not long after, Kaitlin was sent to boarding school. But Marissa didn't know nothing happened.  
"I'm just gonna go." Kaitlin said after a long, awkward silence. She left, and Ryan and Marissa just stood there barely acknowledging her exit.  
  
"So, did anything happen between you and my sister?" Tears were forming in Marissa's eyes, and she didn't hold them back. Ryan didn't answer. He just continued to stare at the floor.  
"We kissed." Ryan whispered. He suddenly felt ashamed of what he did.  
  
"You kissed my sister. How could you do that?" Ryan finally looked at Marissa. She looked incredibly hurt, full of anger and sadness.  
"I didn't know you back then. I didn't know I'd meet you in a year. God, I didn't even know what would happen the next day." Marissa was overreacting. It wasn't a big deal, but obviously Marissa thought it was.  
"Just go." Marissa took deep breaths in and out.  
"But "  
"Please. Just go."  
"Fine." Ryan got the hint and left. Marissa was confused now. What else happened in Ryan's past? Had he told the truth? Marissa ran to the kitchen, which was luckily empty. She searched all the cabinets, until finally she found her mother's stash. She grabbed a bottle, and went upstairs. Summer stared out her window in misery. Would Cohen ever stop calling? He'd been calling all day and Summer was sick of hearing her phone ring. She was mad at him. Didn't he care about anyone else? What he did was so selfish. He scared every single person in Newport. Well, not really all of Newport, just like his parents, Caleb Nichol and Summer. Most of Newport didn't know that Cohen existed. He still wasn't all that popular. The phone rang again. Summer put her head under a pillow to drown out the ringing. Finally, the machine picked up.  
"Hey, Summer. It's Seth again. I really, really want to talk to you and that's a little hard cause you're not home. But when you do hear this, please call back and I'll answer cause I want to talk to you really badly and I'm sorry about everything and you have to like forgive me sometime cause I know deep down in your-"The machine stopped the message. It always stopped Cohen's incessant babbling. But those messages always made Summer want to cry. Part of her wanted to forgive him, but the other part wanted to make him suffer. And that part overruled the forgiving part. So she made him feel horrible. Summer got up and went to the machine. Her finger wavered a moment, then found its home on the delete key. Just as she began to walk back to her bed, the phone rang again. This hugely annoyed Summer. Cohen would never give up. She went back to the phone and picked up. She was telling Cohen off.  
"Cohen, just stop calling! I don't want to talk to you anymore! Just, just stop!" Summer screamed, full of rage.  
"Sum?" Marissa's not-Cohen voice said on the phone . "Oh, Coop, hey. Sorry 'bout that."  
"Obviously still not happy with Seth?"  
"Yeh. So, what's up?"  
"Nothing. Um, do you wanna come over?"  
"Sure."  
"Okay, well, Ill see you then"  
"Bye." Summer hung up. She felt a little embarrassed. Cohen did that to her. Sometimes make her feel embarrassed. But Summer was done with Seth. She got her bag and headed to her car. Her parents weren't home. Lately, they were never home. But that dint bother Summer a whole lot. She turned the ignition on and left. She had only been to Marissa's new house about three times, so she paid close attention to where she was going. It was farther away, so obviously, it would take her longer to get there. Summer was about to turn down a road when she realized that was the way to Julie Nichol's old house. That wasn't Marissa's house anymore. It hadn't been her house for a while. Though that as the way to Seth's house. Summer had regulated her brain to drive down that road. But she wouldn't go down that road. Her and Seth ere over. He was a selfish pig. So Summer turned off her blinker and got back into the flow of traffic. Eventually she made it to Marissa's house, and knocked on the door. She expected Marissa to open it, but it was someone she hadn't expected.  
"Summer Roberts. Haven't sen you in a while." Kaitlin said devilishly at the door. "Kaitlin. I thought you were at like, boarding school." Summer replied calmly.  
"Yeh, I was. I came back." Kaitlin eyed Summer up suspiciously. "She's upstairs." Kaitlin left the door and Summer walked to Marissa's room quietly. The door was open and Marissa was picking up clothes.  
"Hey."Summer said. Marissa turned around.  
"Hey. Didn't hear you knock." Marissa dropped the clothes she had picked up and enveloped Summer in a hug.  
"Well, Coop Jr. answered it." Summer sat down on Marissa's bed. "So, what's up?"  
"I just learned Ryan kissed Kaitlin." Marissa collapsed onto the bed.  
  
"So, Chino kissed your sister? I mean, Ryan kissed you sister?"  
"I don't really care what you call him right now. I'm just really pissed at him.... and Kaitlin."  
"Ew. That's just disgusting. He obviously had to have been drunk."  
"Yeh, I kinda hope so."  
"Kinda?"  
"Okay, completely."  
"Well, I don't know about you, but I've totally lost all respect for Chino."  
"What about Kaitlin?"  
"Well, anyone is good for her. And I never really had any respect for her, anyway." Kaitlin appeared at the door, but neither girl noticed.  
"Okay, I can hear you guys talking about me from about a mile away." Kaitlin interjected.  
"Just go away, Coop Jr."  
"Oh wow. That was so original, Materialistic Bitch."  
"Oh, and yours was so much better?"  
"At least mine had some thoughts behind it."  
"And what would those thoughts be?"  
"That I hate you."  
"Don't worry. I have the same feelings for you, too."  
"Guys, stop it!" Marissa said, breaking up the argument. "Kaitlin, can you just go?"  
"No. Whatever you want to say about me, say it to my face." Kaitlin defended.  
"Fine. I completely despise you because you made out with my boyfriend."  
"Ugh. Number one: You didn't know him back then. So you couldn't have been dating. Number two: I didn't make out with him! We kissed! That was it."  
"I could have known him!"  
"The only Chino you ever heard of was a pair of pants."  
"Chinos are actually a pair of pants." Summer implied.  
"I don't care." Kaitlin shot back.  
"Well, you still shouldn't have kissed him." Marissa demanded.  
"You wanna know the truth behind it? If it wasn't for him, I would've been raped. He didn't even know me, and he stepped in a and saved me."  
"Still--"  
"No. No 'still.' I just kissed him. I was drunk and disoriented. I didn't know what I was doing."  
"But--"  
"Oh God! I'm sick of this, Marissa! I regret things, okay? I regret kissing him and I regret going to that party. Heck, I regret going to a lot of parties! Because it landed me in boarding school."  
"And with doing that, you screwed up the whole family."  
"We were already screwed up."  
"I know. And you made problems so hard for us, especially me."  
"You don't get it. This was a stupid mistake from two years ago. That we probably both regret right now. And you're wondering how it affects you."  
"You kissed my boyfriend!"  
"He wasn't your boyfriend then! Sorry, but I cant tell the future!"  
"You just shouldn't have gone." Marissa added quietly.  
"You know what, Marissa? You're so wrapped up in yourself, you cant even see what had actually happened."  
"What?" Summer never said a word, in fear of getting the bite of Marissa or Kaitlin. Or worse. The bite of both.  
"I was almost raped then. And all you care about is how I drunkenly kissed him."  
"I care, kaitlin."  
"No, no you don't. You just care about your problems. So why don't we get to it."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Why don't we get to the point where you kick both me and MB out, go find your little stash of vodka or something hidden in this room, and drink your sorrows down like earlier."  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Oh yes, you do, Marissa. I saw you downing that bottle of alcohol." Summer stared at her best friend in disbelief.  
"Coop, is that true? I thought you weren't drinking anymore." Summer asked sadly.  
"I'm not. It was, it was a bottle of water." Marissa attempted. Kaitlin wasn't believing it.  
"That's shit, Marissa. You knew it was alcohol. You even admitted to it."She said.  
"Can you just go, Kaitlin? Cause I don't really want to talk to you anymore!" Marissa screamed at her younger sister.  
"Gladly." With that, Kaitlin calmly strode out of the room. Marissa's silent tears came down harder than they had been during the argument.  
"I'm so sorry, Sum."That was the only sentence Marissa could think of.  
"No, it's fine. We'll get through this. You could go talk to someone, probably not the same person, because the fear of, well I guess you should cause the person knows you, but there's the possibility of seeing Oliver, but I guess you wouldn't, because he's probably locked up from what he did."  
"You really have a way of bringing back old memories like kaitlin does."  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to. It's just "  
"It's okay. Oh, and by the way, you starting to sound like Seth."  
"Thanks, Coop!"Summer jokingly hit Marissa with a pillow. Marissa didn't reply and Summer dropped the pillow. Both sat in silence, waiting for something to take them away from reality.  
  
Summer and Marissa sat in silence until the light ringing of Summer's cell phone went off.  
"Coop, can you get that?" Summer whined.  
"Why?"  
"Because I need to screen my calls."  
"So, I'm your secretary?"  
"Yes?" Summer smiled. They would get through this. It was already going back to normal. Marissa rolled her crystal blue eyes and went into Summer's purse. The ringing got louder as Marissa pulled the cell phone out of the bag.  
"Hello?" Marissa said after she answered it. She listened for a moment, then put her hand over the phone. "It's Seth."  
"No!" Summer shot.  
"C'mon. Talk to him." Marissa urged the phone to Summer.  
"Why?"  
"Because he's still technically your boyfriend!"  
"Erg. I hate that rule." Summer reluctantly got off the bed and took the phone form Marissa. "Hey."  
"Hey. Summer, wow. I'm actually talking to you." Seth said happily from over the phone.  
"Yeah." Summer said non-commitedly.  
"I've been trying to talk to you, but you haven't ben home."  
"I know. I got the messages." Summer was already bored.  
"Wh-why didn't you call back?"  
"I've been busy."  
"What, you couldn't take two minutes out of your life to call your boyfriend?" Seth joked.  
"I'm sorry, okay?"  
"It just doesn't seem like you are."  
"Probably because I'm not."  
"What?"  
"Seth, I'm so sick of this!"  
"Sick of what?"  
"I've been trying to suppress these feelings for so long, but I cant take it anymore."  
"What feelings?"  
"That, I mean I love you and everything. I really do. But, it's jut you need constant reassurance, and you're clingy, and I cant always deal with that. And everyone has problems, and I want to help you with yours. But how can I help if you just run away every time it gets rough?"  
"Summer, I just needed to think."  
"I know, but why couldn't you have thought here in Newport, with me?"  
"I don't know."  
"I have always been there for you."  
"Yeah, what about a year ago?"  
"Seth, that was such a long time ago, it doesn't even matter!"  
"It matters to me."  
"But so much has changed since then!"  
"I know. You didn't even know my name back then."  
"Seth, that's not "  
"The only reason you noticed me was because I was hanging out with Anna."  
"That's not true."  
"Yes, it is. You didn't want to have a damn thing to do with me. But once someone was paying attention to me, I suddenly mattered."  
"No, that's not rue. I noticed you before that. We even kissed."  
"But did that matter?" Summer thought for a while. Even when that did happen, she still hadn't cared about Seth. He hadn't mattered.  
"I don't know."  
"See? We're getting all that suppressed anger we both felt out. Now we'll be okay."Seth tried to cheer up the conversation.  
"No. No, we won't be." Summer began to tear.  
"Huh?"  
"I'm sick of just being thrown around. You know, being with you when you want to."  
"I'm totally not getting you."  
"That's the point. Remember the striper incident?"  
"How does that pertain to this?"  
"You didn't care about how I felt about it."  
"Well, I wasn't really sure if you actually did care about it."  
"What?"  
"You care more about what your dad thinks than what you think."  
"You know what Seth? I'm tired of this."  
"Tired of what?"  
"Tired of fighting."  
"Well, so am I. So can we just resolve this?"  
"No, we can't. It's gone too far." Summer took a deep breath. "It's over."  
"What's over?"  
"You and me, Seth. It's over. I can't deal with you anymore. I've shed so many tears "  
"No, please Summer."  
"I'm so sorry Seth. It's over." Summer pressed the end button on her cell phone. She looked to Marissa, who had been completely silent during the whole fight.  
"Wow." Marissa didn't know what to think.  
"Yeah, wow. Wow is right."  
"He really loves you."  
"Well, I just can't deal with him anymore."  
"I heard." Summer joined Marissa on the bed.  
"Man, there's been so much drama today." Summer said through her immense tears that were falling.  
"Yeah, I know." Marissa soon began to cry also. They sat there crying for a while, reflecting on what had happened.  
"God, what is this? The crying room?" Summer finally announced after she realized that her and Seth were finally over. 


	3. Lost in Thoughts

Seth sat on his bed in a numb state. It was over. Summer and him were actually over. The greatest thing in his life was gone. And before he thought he had it rough. At one small moment, Seth's life had been perfect. But that was gone. Never to come back. Seth breathed and turned on hid cd player.  
"But there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade/And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all/And here I rest: where disappointment and regret collide/lying awake at night..." Seth had loved Summer, Summer had loved Seth, how did that not work? Even with Ryan back in Cohen pool house and Seth was pretty happy, there was nothing to look forward to when Seth would awake, no comfort to help him fall asleep. Summer was his everything. He had loved her for so long. And finally, they were together. But Seth screwed it up. He always screwed it up. It was his fault. There never was a doubt that it would be his fault. Somehow, he was always to blame. Newport turned to Hell again, there was no denying it. All Ryan would have to do would be to leave, and it would be like none of this ever happened.  
"Because behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm/And all I find are souvenirs from better times..." Seth hated Summer. She didn't understand what he went through, no one did. No one ever would. He was alone, hopeless in the vast, hollow world, surrounded by empty, fragmented, soulless structures of people. Ryan could be exempt from that, maybe his parents. But they didn't even understand Seth. They expected so much form him, and there were only disappointed by what Seth did accomplish. Somehow, Seth's parents didn't notice their son had no friends and spent most of his time up in his room with a plastic horse.  
Seth's life was meaningless, seeing as there was no good in it. Why live if there's nothing in store for you? Why try if you know you're never going to get there? Why care if no one cares about you? Even in the scariest moments of Seth's life, when he needed comfort and support, he would get yelled at. So why try to love if you know no one will ever fully love you back?  
Seth's thoughts fell upon IT, something he had forgotten about for 9 years. Sandy had bought it so he could protect his family, if they were ever in danger.  
"No, we are not having that in the house. What if Seth gets hold of it?" Kirsten had objected, obviously not happy with the situation. Seth was peering into the kitchen, not seen like usual. He had just gotten a high score on his video game, and wanted to show his parents his accomplishment.  
"He won't shoot his eye out or something, he's not stupid. We'll just keep it hidden from him." Sandy protested.  
"Where?" Kirsten was warming up to the idea.  
"In my desk. I always have it locked up. He doesn't know where the keys are."  
"I still don't know." Seth couldn't hold his excitement any longer.  
"Mommy! Daddy! Guess what?" Seth screamed as he bounded into the room.  
"Not now, Seth. We're busy." Seth's mother complained.  
"Please?" Seth pleaded.  
"No."  
"Why not?"  
"We're busy."  
"With what?"  
"Nothing that pertains to you honey."  
"Please?"  
"Seth, dammit. You're old enough to know not to beg. No go upstairs and wait until we come up." Kirsten was getting annoyed.  
"But Mommy "  
"Seth Cohen! Go upstairs now!" Kirsten screamed. She was already on edge, and didn't need Seth to bug her. Seth ran upstairs and could still very lightly hear his parents.  
"Well?" Sandy asked.  
"Fine." But even after Seth's parents were done talking, they never came up. Seth waited and waited. When he finally understood they weren't coming up, he unplugged his game, pulled the game out of the console and threw it out the window. Seth ran to his closet, hoping he could disappear. His parents were the closest thing to friends Seth had. If they weren't his friends, then who were? Seth looked to Captain Oats, who lie on the floor close by and grabbed it. He hugged it tightly, learning that this plastic horse seemed to be the only friend he had. Seth hated his parents, and never forgot that day. The day he learned he was alone.  
  
Seth remembered exactly where his dad had hidden it. And he knew where the keys where. Seth didn't want to see what happen next. He hated the world. Seth turned off Death Cab and headed to his father's desk, to find the only way to take away the hell that was now his life.  
  
Julie looked around the table eagerly. This was supposed to be the Nichol/Cooper's first real family dinner. It didn't seem like one. Caleb was out working on business, Kaitlin was falling asleep, and Marissa looked around, looking everywhere, but to Julie. Julie knew Marissa hated her, and Julie wanted to be the perfect mom to Marissa and Kaitlin. So Julie had a fling with Marissa's exboyfriend. Which ultimately did get Luke into a car accident that almost killed him. But that wasn't the point. Julie cared deeply for Marissa. She would never do anything to hurt her. Intentionally. Marissa couldn't hold everything against Julie. There were such things as accidents. Maybe Marissa never heard of those. But that was very unlikely.  
"Can I be excused?" Kaitlin dully asked once she had been woken up by hitting her head on the table.  
"No. Caleb said he'd be home soon. We're gonna wait for him." Julie said, getting annoyed.  
"But I'm done." Julie looked to Kaitlin's plate. It was full, with possibly two bites taken out of it. Julie raised her eyebrows to that evil mother-knows-best look and stared Kaitlin down. Kaitlin also raised her eyebrows, and neither woman said a word. Marissa didn't pay attention, her mind lost on Ryan. Kaitlin then took her fork, scooped up some of Boston Market's famous mashed potatoes, and shoved them in her mouth. "Happy?"  
"I suppose." Julie had given up. She didn't want to have an argument on their first night. Kaitlin got up, left her plate and headed upstairs to her nearly bare room. That left Julie alone with Marissa, who still was zoned out. Julie wanted to talk to her, but she seemed very lost in thought. Kaitlin coming home must have really freaked her out. Julie had seen Ryan come over. And much to her enjoyment, her left not long after he came, looking very distraught. And then that Summer Roberts came. The only reason Julie liked her was that Summer sucked up to her adults. She always wanted to be loved. But Julie highly disapproved of Summer dating that Seth Cohen. He was a bad choice. Very lonely and pathetic. And then Summer left in tears. So what was going on? What didn't Julie Nichol know? "Marissa honey, is there anything you want to talk about?" Asking Marissa was a huge long shot, since Marissa despised her mother, but Julie had to at least try.  
"No, I'm fine." Marissa never looked at her mother. Not that Julie had expected her to.  
"Okay." Julie thought for a second. "Question: Did you see Kaitlin take any alcohol from my cabinet? I'm missing like three bottles."Marissa looked up. Fear was in her eyes, and she tried to her hardest to cover it up. Julie had found something.  
"No, I haven't." Marissa said timidly. She looked to her mother once, and quickly redirected her gaze.  
"Marissa? Are you not telling me something?"Julie put on her loving- mother face and tried to read Marissa's face. It was either Marissa was hiding something very well or Julie was illiterate when it came to reading faces.  
"No, I'm fine."  
"You know, you can always come to me if you have a problem." Julie wanted to help, but she didn't know how.  
"I know." Julie didn't believe her daughter. Little did she know, but Julie was the exact root of the problem.  
  
Kirsten looked around the dinner table. It was silent, and everyone seemed lost in thought. She knew why Sandy was. He was working on a huge case, and it was getting down to the last days before the trial. But she didn't know why Seth and Ryan were in deep thought. No talking was usual for Ryan, but lately he had been opening up. Silence was not a strong point for Seth Cohen. Not talking was totally out of character for him. Kirsten's first thoughts were that he had laryngitis, but then she realized Seth barely ever got sick. But both boys seemed more than just in thought. They seemed upset. And whatever upset her sons, upset Kirsten.  
"So Seth. What did you do today?" The sound of Kirsten's voice sliced through the silence.  
"Just played some video games." Seth lied in a lifeless, monotone voice.  
"Oh. That's nice. What about you Ryan? Did you do anything exciting?" Kirsten looked to Ryan semi-eagerly, hoping her could liven up the non- existent conversation.  
"I hung out with Marissa for a bit." Ryan answered.  
"How is she? My dad said her sister, Kaitlin, is it? Well, that she was living with them." Lately Julie and Marissa seemed like the only topics Kirsten's dad talked about.  
"Yeah. She is." Ryan didn't look up, but Seth drew his attention to what Ryan had said for a moment. Then he just returned to moving his food around on the plate. Sandy paid no attention at all, for he was writing instead of eating.  
"Did you meet her?"  
"Yeah, for about a minute. That was it." Kirsten realized she had nothing else to say. She was screwed. There went any attempt at a conversation. Right then, Sandy got up, took his work, and left the table unannounced. Seth didn't notice, and Ryan looked up to Sandy for a split second, then returned his gaze to his plate. Kirsten looked to her plate, also. She had made none of it. Most meals were take out because Kirsten could not cook for the life of her. She had attempted, but they ended up as 'meals the garbage trucks barely took' to quote Seth. "Can I be excused?" Ryan said suddenly and looked to Kirsten. He startled her, and all she could do was nod. Ryan took both his and Sandy's plates to the sink, then Seth followed, who had not even taken a bite of the food. All of it went in the trash, along with Kirsten's earlier attempts at cooking. That had ended very quickly, and Kirsten called one of the restaurants she had on speed dial.  
Kirsten went upstairs to her room, changed to her pajamas, and got into bed ready to read a book. But she couldn't. All she could think about was her boys, and what was worrying them.  
Sandy was the only one who got any sleep that night.  
  
Summer wiped her tears as she dropped the Bright Eyes cd in the box. Seth had given it to her as a present, and as much as Summer didn't want to give it back, she knew she had to. If she ever listened to it, or even saw it, she might burst into tears. Though Summer hadn't noticed, a lot of stuff in her room reminded her of Cohen.  
It was midday, and Summer was preparing for her last trip to the Cohens plus Ryan's house. Why would Summer need to go back if she wasn't dating Seth? As much as she hated dumping him, she knew it was for the best. Maybe some other day they could try again. But not now. There was too much going on. Summer had to help Coop, who really needed Summer's help. Marissa couldn't talk to her sister or mother about her problems. They were the problems. She could talk to only her dad and Summer. Summer was happy to know Marissa wanted to confide in her. And now, Summer could confide in Marissa. Because Chino and Cohen were pigs. They were self-absorbed, annoying, mean, hurtful asses. They didn't deserve Summer and Coop. They could have Coop Jr. Chino already made out with her. Cohen could have... no one. He didn't deserve anyone. He hurt Summer. But she supposed she had hurt Seth. They should have been able to resolve their problems like Cohen wanted. But no. Summer had said it was over. How stupid could Summer get? She cared so much about Seth. Maybe they could forget the whole breakup ever occurred. But Summer was afraid of what might happen. Summer beared her heart to Seth, and he ran away with it to Tahiti. He was so self- centered. Would they go down the same road if they did try again? Summer had helped with their problems. It wasn't entirely Cohen's fault. She trusted her dad more than anything, and when he said Summer shouldn't be with Seth, she believed him. Later she had had begun to rethink that, but now maybe Summer's dad was right. They shouldn't be with each other. They weren't compatible. He was just too damn dorky. He enjoyed comic book conventions and video games. Ew. But Summer had loved him. How would she get over him?  
Summer's eyes fell upon Princess Sparkles. Her thoughts immediately went back to Seth. More tears cascaded down her face. Summer grabbed Princess Sparkles and threw her out the window as hard as she could. 


	4. No Options Left

Seth felt like shit. But lately, he always did. Life without Summer just couldn't happen. About two years ago, he would have been ecstatic that Summer had actually talked to him, let alone date him. So much had happened in the last year, pretty much all for the good, in Seth's case. And then, life was hell. Seth had gotten what he needed and was ready. He left the goodbye notes for last. Last time he wrote goodbye notes, it was only meant for a short time. This time, he wasn't coming back. Obviously he would write Ryan and his parents one, but he debated whether or whether not to write Summer one. They were, after all, broken up. But that was the reason for his departure. Life just wasn't good anymore. Everything was falling downhill and Seth couldn't climb back up. He had to get away from this on- going land slide. It would be hard, but life in Newport just wasn't working for him. But still, he didn't want to leave his parents and Ryan. Ryan was Seth's only friend. Summer could definitely be excluded from that list now. Of course, there was only one person on that list. And his parents had raised him. They had to deal with Seth every day, every week, every month, year after year. Even though they may have not been the nicest parents all the time, he still did love them. But he didn't belong in Newport. Had he ever? Newport seemed full of rich, egotistical snobs. That was not Seth. At least he didn't think so. And honestly, who would actually notice? Only Seth's parents, Ryan, Summer, and maybe Marissa. No one else knew he existed. He didn't matter. He had gotten some social status over the year, but Seth still saw himself as Newport's resident punching bag. Luke had sure seen him as it.  
Seth inhaled deeply. This was it. It was getting down to the end. The end of the road. No more. Never again. Once was, but not anymore. Never to come again. Seth sat at his desk and wrote Summer a note. It was short, since he didn't really have anything to say to her except'I love you' and 'I hate you'. Once he was done with her note, he started on his parents'. A lot of 'thank you's and 'I'm sorry's. They had given Seth so much, and he didn't know how he could repay them. Obviously not like this, but Seth still was going to go through it. Last was Ryan's. His was exceptionally hard. Seth had so much to say to him. Ryan had changed his life so much, for better or worse, Seth couldn't exactly tell right now. Ryan was his brother, his best friend, his only friend. They were so different, yet they became best friends. He ended Ryan's note with a 'thanks' and put them on the bed. Seth swallowed and knew it was time.  
  
Ryan began to walk upstairs. He was sick of holding in this guilt, he had to tell someone. Ryan knocked on Seth's door.  
"Seth?"  
"What?"Seth asked, sounding shaky.  
"Can I come in?"  
"No! I'm busy!"  
C'mon let me in." Ryan was not taking a no. For once in his life, he actually felt like talking.  
"Go the fuck away!"Seth sounded freaked out and extremely upset.  
"Seth, open up." Ryan tried the doorknob. Not surprisingly, it was locked.  
"No! Just go the fucking away!" That was it. This was bullshit. Ryan was a master at opening keys. Ryan looked in his wallet and found exactly what he was looking for. His door opener. Yeah, it was just a paper clip, but Ryan knew exactly how to move it around, so that it unlocked the door. He began to work his magic. With a little frustration, Ryan managed to pick the lock of Seth's door.  
"Seth?"  
"I said to go the fuck away!" Seth angrily screamed. Ryan twisted the handle of the doorknob and swung the door open.  
  
Seth stood there, barely ten feet away from Ryan, with a gun in his hand.  
"How the hell did you get in?" Seth looked distressed and full of rage.  
"What are you doing?" Ryan slowly walked toward Seth. Ryan had had encounters with guns, but those were with cops and people he didn't know all that well. This time it was Seth, a person he considered his brother, holding a gun.  
"What the fuck does it look like?" Seth began to point the gun at his temples.  
"Seth, no. Don't do this." Ryan was scared. Actually scared. Sure, he had seen plenty of scary shit, but it had never hit this close to home. Literally.  
"Why the fuck not? There's nothing to fucking live for."  
"What about your parents? Summer? What about her? Don't you care about her? Just please, put the gun down."  
"Who the fuck cares about her? She's a fucking whore." This wasn't Seth. He would never say something like that about Summer. He had loved her forever. So why the hell did he suddenly hate her?  
"What's wrong?" Ryan knew how to handle just about every other situation, except this. He had never seen someone ready to take their life away.  
"I'll tell you what the fuck is wrong. Life fucking sucks. There's nothing good anymore." Ryan could see immense sadness in Seth's eyes. He began to lower the gun.  
"That's not true."  
"What? What do I fucking have?"  
"A good family."  
"Oh yeah. That's a lot."  
"More than I can say."  
"Yeah, well sorry." Seth began to put the gun to his temples again.  
"Don't do this." Ryan didn't think he could handle Seth killing himself. Life would suck after that. Ryan would leave, since he would probably bring sadness to Seth's parents. Seth didn't understand how much he really mattered.  
"Don't what?"  
"Put a fucking gun tot your head! This is stupid!"  
"Oh well."  
"You'll regret this."  
"How can I regret things if I'm fucking dead?"  
"I don't know. Just please, put the gun down. So many people care about you."  
"What, you, my parents, and Summer? Oh yeah, that's so many people!" Seth was resorting to an evil sarcasism . Ryan knew he was sarcastic, but this wasn't the time to do it. But Seth did it every time he was afraid. And right now, he was terrified.  
"There are more. But think about what you're doing before you do it."  
"I did. Don't worry, I did. And I don't want to live like I used to." Seth slowly lowered the gun and Ryan calmed down a tiny bit.  
"Which is?"  
"Life was hell, Ryan. Now a single person talked to me before you came. No one cared. It wished I could die so many times. I was obsessed with Summer, and I talked to a plastic horse. Nothing was ever good for me. Nothing. I had no friends, no life, no..."Seth paused. "No anything. Everyday was hell. And lived hell for the first sixteen years of my life. And you know what, Ry? Frankly, I don't want to go back."  
"You don't have to."  
"Summer hates me! She thinks I'm self-centered, and that I don't care about anyone else. And she couldn't be farther from the truth. I have loved her for like, since I was six. She is my life. I can't live without her."  
"You lived without her for sixteen years, Seth."  
"I know. But I loved her, and I never got a chance to actually love her. And now, I got my wish and I already lost it. There's this huge empty space in my heart where I want her to be, but she doesn't want to be there."  
"So you're gonna kill yourself over a girl?" Ryan was still getting used to the idea that right in front of him, someone was about to shoot themself.  
"No, man. She's the girl."  
"No she isn't, Seth."  
"How do you know?"  
"You think she is, but she's so wrong for you. She's the one who doesn't care about anyone else."  
"You're wrong."  
"You want to think I am, but you know I'm right."  
"Stop it."  
"She's just a fucking girl! You're gonna give up everything for her?"  
"I have been in love with her for ten years! I can't get over her!"  
"Yes, you can."  
"Have you ever been in love with someone for that long? Hove you ever wished you could either get up the courage to go and talk to her or die?"  
"No, I haven't. But I know what it's like to go through rough stuff."  
"So?"  
"I had to deal with shit, too! I hit was hit, got arrested, and sent to juvie. You have such a great life and you can't even see it. I wish I had lived your life."  
"Word of advice: It sucks." Seth put the gun back to his temples.  
"Yeah, sure."  
"It's true."  
"Seth, don't do this."  
"I have to."  
"No Seth "  
"It's gone too far. It's over." Seth mimicked the words Summer had said to him the day earlier.  
"Seth "  
"I'm sorry." Seth released the safety of the gun, which was directly pointed to his temples.  
Outside, Summer stood at the door, holding a box of gifts and things borrowed from Seth, drowning out the sound of the gunshot with the doorbell. 


	5. The Aftermath of a 45

Ryan wasn't letting his brother go.  
"Seth " He walked to Seth, but it was too late. He heard it. It silenced the whole world. Ryan stared into his brother and saw nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no life at all. He was gone.  
Seth began to fall. Ryan caught him, and fell to the ground with him. He squeezed his eyes tightly, fighting back the tears he thought would come. But Ryan didn't cry. He couldn't. All emotions seemed ripped away from him and he couldn't comprehend what had happened. Ryan could hear the doorbell ringing nonstop. He could hear Kirsten answering it. But nothing computed. It was all too sudden. Twenty minutes ago, he was worried about Marissa, and now, his brother was dead.  
"Seth, Summer's down Ryan." Ryan looked over. Kirsten stood at the door. She saw something in Ryan she had never seen. He seemed lost and dazed. Then she saw it. A hand over Ryan's leg holding a gun. Kirsten thought it was an illusion of her mind, like when you see and ice cream truck on a hot day, but it was not. She stepped closer and saw Seth. He lie in Ryan's arms, pale and lost. All blood stopped coming to her face and soon, she too was pale. Specks of blood was on Ryan's shirt and she looked for the wound, and found it in the place she dreamed it not to be. It was Kirsten's nightmare to see her son like this. She kept telling herself he wasn't dead, but in her heart she knew he was gone. Because she barely had a heart. A gaping hole was in it, just as there was a hole in Seth's head. Kirsten fell to her knees, and the tears just streamed down her face. Her baby was gone. She looked to Ryan. He still seemed lost, not understanding what had happened. "Oh God Seth. Seth. No. Not Seth. No. No."Kirsten just kept replacing the word no, hoping that if she said it enough times, Seth would come back. "Call an ambulance. And tell Summer to leave. Please." Kirsten faintly said. Ryan opened his mouth to say something, but when he saw the immense sadness in Kirsten's eyes, he shut his mouth.  
Ryan carefully took Seth's body off of him and laid it on Kirsten's lap. She hugged it tightly, rocking back and forth, murmuring "My baby. Not my baby." Ryan reluctantly left the room and raced downstairs. If there was an chance of Seth being alive, though slim, he would have to acct fast. Summer though, saw him and approached him.  
"Hey Chino. Do you know where Seth is? His name penetrated though the air like a bee stinging its victim's skin. "I just wanted to return this stuff." She held a box, filled with Seth's stuff, ultimately making the realization harder to adjust to.  
"No." Ryan finally made his voice work.  
"Why not? I wanna talk to him"  
"You just have to leave. Bye." Ryan said as her ushered Summer to the door and slam in her face before she could say another word. He wanted to tell her what happened, but it would be too hard. Ryan rushed to the nearest phone and dialed the amazingly non-familiar number of 911.  
"911. Please state your emergency."The woman said on the other side of the phone.  
"My friend...he shot himself...we need help."  
"Location?" Ryan recited the address to the woman and stayed on the line until the ambulance came to tell him the inevitable.  
  
Summer reluctantly left the door. What was Seth's problem? Was he having Ryan talk to her because he didn't want to talk to her? Seth didn't seem like the person who would do that. He was so sweet, and so caring. Why the hell did Summer break up with him? It was so stupid. Summer was so stupid. Breaking up with a guy she might possibly love. No. Not possibly. Definitely. But it was over. Summer even said so.  
She went to her car and tossed the box in the backseat. Summer looked to Seth's bedroom window like she always did when she left the Cohens, be it happy or pissed off. Seth would always be looking out, watching her leave. But it was unusually drawn shut. Summer blew it off as nothing. Seth was probably still in shock from their breakup. Heck, Summer was too. She got in her car. No more frequent visits to the Cohens.  
Summer pulled out of the Cohens' driveway. She would get through this. She was strong. But was Seth? He never dealt with a breakup. Summer had plenty of times. With numerous guys. But none of them meant something like Seth had. Sure, before Chino came, Summer hadn't wanted a thing to do with Seth, but now, she loved him. She actually loved him. Summer had to tell him. When she got home, she would call him. She didn't want to call now, in fear she would get into an accident. What's the point of telling someone you love them if you were gonna die anyways?  
Sirens were going off. Summer could hear them get closer and closer as she drove. She hoped to God there wasn't a fire. She hated fire. When she was little, she had caused one. A tiny one, but none the less. Summer knocked down a pot from the stove and it feel atop the newspaper put down for her puppy. The paper immediately caught fire and Summer's fear had immobilized her. It slowly snuck up to her, and the rubber on her shoes began to melt. She could feel the intensity of the heat on her legs and it sent chills up her spine. There was no one in the room, and Summer thought she would silently burn away without anyone seeing. But at that precise moment, Summer's father came into the room and pulled Summer away from the fire. He had stopped that fire, but was never able to stop Summer's ongoing fear of them.  
An ambulance, lights flashing, sirens blaring, was headed the way Summer was coming from. A slight panic arose in Summer, but one always did when she saw an ambulance. So she continued driving, ignoring the sorrow and fear growing in her. Occasionally, she would look back to see if the car behind her was tailgating.  
Her heart nearly stopped when she saw in the rearview mirror the ambulance turn into the Cohens' driveway.  
  
The white sheet covered Seth Cohen's blank, expressionless face. They were too late. Ryan stayed together as Kirsten fell apart in his arms. Sandy was still at work, unknowing, thinking his family was okay. Kirsten didn't have the heart to call him. What a nice call. 'Hi honey. How's work going? Oh by the way, our son show himself in the head.' Kirsten continued to sob uncontrollably as she witnessed the horror she prayed never to see. Her son was dead. It just wasn't fair. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their kids. They're supposed to die first, and watch their children grow older from up in heaven.  
"We should call Sandy." Kirsten stared into the eyes of her other son. Ryan was her son. She didn't have one, she had two. Or at least, did have two. Ryan had no emotions on his face, and it reminded Kirsten of Seth. Through heavy breaths, she nodded. Kirsten made no movement of leaving and Ryan took it upon himself to leave. Ryan shouldn't be calling Sandy. Kirsten should be the one doing that. Telling her husband that the person they raised and loved for seventeen years, was dead. As she left the room, her eyes fell to three folded notes. Kirsten would have read the one addressed to 'Mom and Dad', but she didn't think she could take anymore. She rushed out of the room, and found Ryan in the kitchen grabbing the phone.  
"I'll do it." Ryan turned around.  
"Are you suer?" He handed Kirsten the phone.  
"Not really. But it's probably better if I call him." Kirsten said as she dialed Sandy's cell phone.  
"Hello?"Sandy answered on the first ring.  
"Sandy." Kirsten tried her hardest not to cry, but she felt the tears coming.  
"Kirsten, what's wrong?" The worry in Sandy's voice could be plainly heard.  
"It's Seth." Kirsten barely choked out.  
"Is he okay?" She fought back the tears.  
"Can you just come home?" Kirsten couldn't tell him over the phone. She needed him to fall on when she told him.  
"I have a lot of work "  
"Please." Kirsten quietly pleaded.  
"All right. I'll be home in a bit."  
"I love you." Sandy had just been about to hang up. Kirsten was afraid to take the chance and not say it to Sandy. He could get in an accident. Kirsten didn't want him not to know she loved him.  
"I love you too." sandy hung up. He headed out of his office as Kirsten feel to the floor in uncontrollable tears and pain she thought would never go away. 


	6. The Pain Inside

Marissa stared up at her ceiling. She shouldn't have overreacted. It was just Marissa freaked. But what else had Ryan done?  
"Hi." Marissa looked up. Kaitlin stood in her usual pose at the doorframe.  
"Hi." Marissa sat on her bed and was soon accompanied by Kaitlin.  
"So, still pissed at me?"  
"I guess not."  
"Why the hell were you so pissed?"  
"I was freaked, all right? Everything just happened so suddenly."  
"We didn't do anything."  
"I know that. Now. It's just one minute, you pop up. And the next, I learn you kissed my boyfriend."  
"Don't ever blame him for it. It was all me."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. I was so wasted."  
"You know I care, don't you?"  
"Yeah, I guess I just said some stuff in the heat of the moment."  
"Like drowning my sorrows down?"  
"Yeah. Sorry about that." The two shared a laugh, but then they had nothing to say. Silence overtook the room. Marissa was glad everything was okay with her and Kaitlin, but her worry topped the happiness. Summer had broken up with Seth. And Marissa was a witness. So Marissa could bet that Summer would use Marissa to prove a point at Seth. And then there was Ryan. Marissa had been so mean to him, would he ever forgive her? "So we're good?" Kaitlin looked hopefully to her older sister.  
"Uh-huh. We're good." Marissa smiled as Kaitlin's smile broadened. Marissa was tired. She hadn't noticed it before, but she was really fatigued. She fell back to the bed and moments later was followed by Kaitlin. They both stared at the ceiling, eventually drifting off into a relatively calm sleep.  
  
Sandy was wacked with worry. Kirsten hadn't sounded very good on the phone. And something was wrong with Seth. Had he run away again? Was he hurt? Kirsten had told him nothing and that disturbed Sandy. Whatever the hell was wrong wasn't good. He sped down the road and saw a tiny glimpse of Summer's car on the side of the road.  
When he reached his home, everything was eerily quiet. Like in a movie and they just turned off all the sound. An ambulance was in the driveway and Kirsten stood clinging to Ryan at the door. Kirsten was crying and of course, Ryan showed no moment of weakness. Sandy got of the car and headed to his saddened wife.  
"Oh Sandy." Kirsten barely said before she collapsed instantly into Sandy's arms with a whole new string of tears.  
"What's wrong?" As much as he didn't was to, he pushed Kirsten off him and stared a her straight in the eye. "Where's Seth?" Kirsten couldn't talk, but she motioned to the back of the ambulance.  
  
As Sandy approached the ambulance, a million things ran through his head. What was in the back of the ambulance? Was it Seth? Was he okay?  
The paramedics at first stopped Sandy, but then saw Kirsten nod from behind him. They pulled out a stretcher with something on it, but covered in a white sheet. Sandy held his breath. The paramedics looked to each other, then to sandy, and finally to Kirsten. After some internal argument, the pulled back the sheet to reveal a face. But not just any face. Seth's face. He looked extremely peaceful, and permanently at rest.  
"How? Why?" Sandy muttered, confusingly walking closer to Seth.  
"Shot himself in the head. Killed instantly." One paramedic offered cooly.  
"I tried to stop him Sa Mr. Cohen."Ryan told Sandy. He no longer felt comfortable talking to Sandy by his first name. Sure, he had said it earlier, but that was before this. Now, seeing Sandy, Ryan felt far away form both Kirsten and Sandy. Like he didn't belong.  
Because without Seth, Ryan was completely lost in this world.  
  
Summer didn't know whether to go back to the Cohens or not. Something was wrong. Really wrong. Why would an ambulance be there if there wasn't? But her and Seth had broken up, he wasn't her problem. Yet she still cared about him. And she always would. After a while, she put the car in drive. It couldn't be that bad. She would call later. Maybe they were at the hospital. Seth might not even be the one who was hurt. It could be Ryan, or even Kirsten. There might not even be a problem. It could be a false alarm. Even if, Summer had seen Ryan, and he was okay. Freaked out, but okay. As she drove away, she constantly checked her rearview mirror. Nothing was there anymore. Everything was off the wall, weird, strange, and Summer didn't know why.  
She finally reached her house. Summer practically bolted out of the car, leaving the box in the back. She headed for the closest phone. When she reached one, she realized she had a cell phone. Which had been in her purse, in the car. Summer pulled the receiver out of its cradle and began to dial the Cohens.  
"Hello?" Sandy's worried tone filled her ear.  
"Hi, Mr. Cohen. It's Summer. Can I speak to Seth?"  
"No, you can't."  
"But "  
"Listen, I'll call you later. All right?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Bye."  
"Bye." Summer pushed the end button. Even Seth's dad was acting strange. The tone of his voice irritated Summer. It had always been funny, and calming, even when he was pissed off. This time it was short and angry. But again, Summer blew it off. She tried to silence the creaming of fear running through her mind.  
  
Kirsten looked down. She couldn't bear to see his face again. It was too much pain.  
Sandy walked int o the house when he heard the phone ring and the paramedics took the hint and covered Seth up again. Kirsten then followed her husband, who was already off the phone by the time she got in. He fell into a couch, letting it engulf him. She sat on the opposite couch, fearing he might go nuts if she was too close. Her body began to shake again, and she grabbed a pillow to calm herself.  
"Why?" Sandy said finally.  
"I don't know." Kirsten was still confused, barely letting the truth slowly sink in.  
"When?"  
"Not long ago. I walked in and Ryan was holding him." Tears sprung to her eyes as she relived the experience.  
"Ryan saw it?" Sandy looked to Kirsten.  
"I suppose so. He said he had tried to stop him." Kirsten swallowed hard.  
"Well, why didn't he stop him?" Sandy seemed distraught.  
"I don't know." Kirsten hugged the pillow closer to herself, and Sandy got up and sat by her. Kirsten mad no move to fall into him, as she expected herself to do. Sandy forcefully took the pillow away from her and she shook harder and Sandy held her close. "I just can't imagine what Ryan's going through. We're having a rough time and we didn't even see it happen."  
"I know. But it's hard for all of us. And we'll get through it."  
"How can you be so strong throughout this?" Kirsten tearfully looked to Sandy. He didn't look all that strong now, ready to have his eyes dampened with tears.  
"Who else is gonna be strong?" Sandy said after a while and Kirsten finally gave up fighting and fell int o his arms.  
  
Ryan watched as the paramedics drove away with Seth. They would take him somewhere, most likely the morgue, until the funeral. Where everyone who knew Seth would bawl their eyes out. Seth would hate it from above, seeing everyone gush all over him. He would complain, saying people had too many emotions. Ryan would smile, and then the two would leave it behind.  
And this time, Seth left all of it behind.  
Ryan wondered what life would be like in Newport without Seth. It would be horribly wrong. Marissa could be his only savior for this, but right now, Marissa was pissed at him. He had no one. No Seth, no Marissa, not even Kirsten and Sandy. They seemed so distant. The only connection between him and them was that he saw their son die. It had been all his fault. Ryan didn't stop him, and even so, he was the one who screwed it all up. He had to have sex with Theresa, who got pregnant, so he left. Ryan never even knew who the father was. Theresa had already lost the baby. But Ryan had depressed Seth, who ran away, who upset Summer, who broke up with Seth, causing Seth to forfeit his life. All ran back to Ryan, who then watched Seth blow the bullet into his head. As much as Ryan hated it, Seth was dead. He was gone forever and never coming back.  
Ryan looked to the Cohens' door. He stood alone in the driveway. The door was open, and Ryan could see Sandy and Kirsten holding each other for support. He longed to be there, to be told that everything would be all right. But he couldn't face those people anymore.  
He thought to Chino. Ryan had left so suddenly when he learned Seth had been hurt. Theresa had already lost the baby two weeks earlier, and Ryan had thought she would be okay. He hadn't thought of going back to Newport. Until then. Was Theresa mad at him? There was only one way to figure that out.  
Ryan couldn't go back to that house. It would be too hard. Seth dying had left Ryan defenseless, vulnerable, saddened. It left a horribly sour aftertaste in his mouth whenever he thought of Seth. He didn't want to show his emotions. No one needed to know them. They were his own. And going back into that house might open them up.  
So Ryan decided. Ryan headed the way he thought was easier, less complicated. Away form the door. Only he realized it was so much harder to walk away from the Cohens. 


	7. The Letters form the Now Nonexistent

Kirsten found Sandy in Seth's room. He was sitting on Seth's bed, holding a piece of paper. It was the note from Seth.  
"He's really gone." Sandy said to Kirsten without looking over.  
"I know. I miss him so much." Kirsten walked over to Sandy.  
"Here. Read this." Sandy handed Kirsten the note with shaky hands. She took it and began to read.  
  
Hey Mom, Dad,  
  
Well, if you're reading this, then obviously it happened. And I'm really sorry. I really am. I wish I could have lived up to your expectations of what you dreamed of. But I knew I couldn't. I was too childish, silly, spontaneous. I hated planning things. But that's what you wanted me to do. I just couldn't. And sometimes, you were so wrapped up in your own world that I honestly didn't matter. But I'm cool with that. I didn't matter to a lot of people. I didn't have friends, you know that. I was in one-member clubs. I hated life. You were the closest to friends I had u til Ryan. He changed me. I got to date Summer, my long time love, and currently one of the hugest egotistical bitches I know. If you ever blame yourselves for what happened, don't. It was my choice and I haven't a clue if I'm happy with it or not. So thank you for giving me life and caring and putting up with me for 17 years. I love you guys.  
  
Seth  
  
Tears rolled down Kirsten's face. It was his goodbye. And Kirsten couldn't return it.  
"Where's Ryan?" Sandy asked as he looked out Seth's window.  
"I didn't see him come in. Is he out there?"  
"No." He sighed. "I think I might know where he ran off to. I'll be back." Sandy grabbed one of the remaining two letter and began to leave.  
"I love you." Kirsten choked out. Sandy stopped and turned back to her.  
"I love you too." Sandy said after he kissed his wife. He rushed out of the room, leaving Kirsten with the memories of what used to be.  
  
Ryan stared out at the ocean as the waves crashed into the beach. He could hear light thunder off in the distance and the wind was picking up. He changed his thoughts from Seth to Chino. Eventually he would have to go back to the Cohens. All his stuff was still in the pool house. He could sneak in during the night, grab it, and leave the Cohens a note. But that would be so mean to do to them right after Seth's death. The Cohens had done so much for him. He'd have to either just leave or not go. But he knew he couldn't stay in Newport. Life was going the drain there. He had softened, and his emotions were awfully close to breaking through his rough exterior and showing what he really felt. He was sad, yet full of anger. Ryan stared out at the waves as a figure approached him.  
"Thought I might find you here." Sandy said as he leaned on the rail.  
"Well, you found me." Ryan replied monotonously, not looking to Sandy.  
"How are you feeling?"  
"I don't know. How about you?"  
"I'm dying inside."  
"It seems from the outside that you're fine."  
"Ah, the art of faking. I really want to scream and shout, shed some tears, but I can't. Kirsten needs me." He sighed. "She also needs you."  
"Why would she need me?"  
"Because you're the closest thing to a son we've got."  
"But I'm not a Cohen."  
"Bullshit. You're a Cohen whether you like it or not."  
"It just doesn't seem the same."  
"I know. Our lives seem destroyed now. But we'll make it. It would be what Seth wanted."  
"Yeah, Seth." Ryan took a deep breath. It seemed so much like a casual conversation, but really, they were talking about a person's death.  
"Here. It's for you." Sandy handed Ryan a note. "Read it. I gotta go. Hopefully, get my emotions out in solace. Have a mini-mental breakdown."  
"Thanks." Sandy left and Ryan stood on the pier holding the note. He stared at it, afraid to open it, in fear of knowing that Seth was truly gone. The waves crashed more fiercely, showing signs of an approaching storm.  
At last Ryan opened the letter, not letting the insanity of Seth's last words unknown to him take over.  
  
Ryan,  
  
Thanks, man. You made my life actually a life. I had been nothing before you came. Even though now I'm most likely gone, you still made my last year so amazing. As I write this, I'm beginning to regret what I'm going to do. But I sorta have to. Please don't hate me. It's just my time. Your time will come, hopefully not soon, and I hope yo see you then. You're the greatest friend a person could ever have. I was so lucky to have you as my friend. You made my life worth something. Thanks. I love ya and I'm gonna miss ya.  
  
Seth  
  
Every single thought of sadness and guilt flowed back to Ryan. His emotions had returned, and a single tear came down his cheek. He wiped it away and put the note in his pocket. He knew where he had to be.  
It began to pour, and everyone quickly ran inside. Only Ryan was left on the pier, praying the rain would wash away his pain. The waves crashed down on the beach again, the hardest and fiercest yet to come. Lightening filled the sky, giving it a gorgeous purple color to it. Ryan stood there, trying to contain his emotions. Finally, he fell to knees in pain, screaming loudly as the thunder cracked viciously above.  
  
Ryan walked into the house with his shoes squeaking the whole way. Kirsten looked over to him from the living room as he went into the refrigerator to grab a drink. Kirsten said nothing, until Ryan began to leave, heading to the pool house.  
"Ryan. Wait." He stopped and Kirsten went to the kitchen. "Stay here. I don't want you going back out there."  
"I'm only going to the pool house."  
"I know. But you could get sick. Just wait 'til the storm blows through."  
"I'm soaked. I need some dry clothes."Kirsten was about to say 'Borrow some of Seth's, he won't mind,' but stopped herself.  
"Um, well, go grab some dry clothes."  
"They'll still get wet if I change."  
"Right. Well, get a bag. And put them the dry clothes in it and bring them here."  
"Why don't I just stay in the pool house?"  
"No. Don't." Kirsten paused. "I want you in here."  
"Oh. Where's Sandy?"  
"He's upstairs, in our room doing who knows what. He didn't really say anything."  
"Oh. Well, I guess I'm gonna just go get some dry clothes."  
"All right. I'll just check on Sandy." Ryan nodded and left. Kirsten watched him run into the pool house. She sighed and headed upstairs. Everything was silent, save the rain. Their door was closed, and Kirsten waited a moment before she knocked. No answer came from the other side, so she took it as she was a tiny bit welcome in. She opened the door slowly and found Sandy sitting on the bed, head in hands. Kirsten walked in and Sandy made no acknowledgment of her. She sat on the bed and laid her head on his shoulder.  
"Why?" Sandy said in a soft, breathy voice.  
"I don't know." Kirsten replied, tears already forming in her eyes.  
"I mean, what did we do wrong?"  
"I don't know."  
"He told us not to blame ourselves. But how can we not?"  
"I don't know." Sandy sighed heavily as Kirsten repeated her only vocabulary.  
"Why did he have to go? We could have helped him through it."  
"I know."  
"Where did we go wrong?" Kirsten still had nothing to say. "What did we do to make him do this?"  
"Sandy, we'll get through this."  
"No, we won't." Sandy jumped off the bed and stared at Kirsten. Tears were in his eyes, the only ones Kirsten ever remembered seeing. "Our son is dead! Not only dead. He committed suicide! He hated his life! That's why he took it!" Kirsten had never seen sandy like this. He was usually calm and collected. He wasn't himself.  
"I know, Sandy. But we gotta get through it." Kirsten said, now sobbing uncontrollably. Sandy collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Kirsten crawled over to her husband and held on to him for dear life. Sandy quickly returned the embrace. Kirsten stared out the window, until she fell asleep.  
  
The sun bore through the window and Kirsten's eyelids. She awoke groggily, not fully remembering what happened yesterday. Kirsten put on her robe and began to go down the hallway. She reached Seth's room and found the door closed. Looking down the little hallway, she found Ryan, fast asleep against the wall, clutching Captain Oats.  
She smiled and continued on her way, now more quietly so she didn't disturb Ryan. The house felt so empty and it made Kirsten feel alone. There was no incessant babbling, no sarcasm at all. After all, Seth was gone. It was almost exactly like before, when he ran away. But this time, it was more permanent.  
Kirsten started some coffee, one of the only tings she could make without burning something, and sat down. She thought of what would happen next. They'd have to bury him. Put him in a cold box and lay him six feet under. She heard footsteps upstairs and looked up. It was either Ryan or Sandy. Kirsten got up and poured the coffee into her mug. It was scalding hot and usually Kirsten would quick get a cup of water to cool her burning mouth, but this time she welcomed the heat. Ryan, still half asleep, walked down the stairs and stumbled a bit at the end. He came into the kitchen and poured himself some coffee, and sat down without saying a word. They both sipped their coffee, waiting for Sandy to come down.  
"Aren't you going to work?" Kirsten was startled when Ryan finally spoke. She looked down to her robe and then to her watch, and realized it was late.  
"I don't think I'll be going into work for a while."  
"Oh." Ryan paused. "Does Summer know?"  
"What?" Kirsten was confused. Why would Summer care if she didn't go into work? Then she realized he wasn't talking about her work."Oh. No, she doesn't."  
"Who's gonna tell her?" Ryan stopped drinking his coffee. He just stared at Kirsten.  
"I don't know. I was thinking Sandy, but he's not in the greatest state."  
"I'll tell her."  
"You don't have to. I could tell her."  
"No, it's alright. I'll be the bearer of bad news." Ryan left the house. Kirsten knew he didn't want to tell Summer. She knew he felt obligated.  
  
Summer couldn't sleep all night. Sandy had never called her back. So what was the problem? She wanted to talk to Coop, but somehow, she didn't feel right talking to her about her problem, even if she always talked to Summer about hers. So she was surprised to hear the doorbell ring. Summer looked to the clock. It was already noon.  
The doorbell rung again. Obviously Summer's family had better things to do than answer a goddamn door. Or they probably weren't home. She got up and went to the front door.  
"Chino." She said, after seeing Ryan standing at the door. "What are you doing here?"  
"We have to talk." That was usually the line for someone breaking up with another. Ryan and Summer weren't together. Unless, she got drunk at some point and... No, that wasn't right. Summer led Ryan into the living room and sat down.  
"What is it?"  
"It's about Seth."  
"What happened? What's wrong?" Summer knew something was wrong with Seth, but she didn't know what. Ryan closed his eyes, not wanting to face Summer.  
"Yesterday, he..."  
"What? Ryan, tell me." Ryan stared right into Summer's worried eyes.  
"He's dead, Summer." Time froze. Summer was lost. Had Ryan actually said what she thought he said?  
"No. You're wrong."  
"I'm sorry." Summer put her hand to her mouth. She held back the tears, but it was no use.  
"When?" Ryan didn't answer. "When did it happen?"  
"Right when you came over. That's why you had to leave."  
"Oh God. No. This can't be happening. He's not dead. You're lying. Please, just say you're lying."  
"I'm sorry." Tears streamed down her face. Ryan stared sown at the Roberts' perfect white carpet, with a guilty look on his face.  
"No." Ryan tried to touch her, but she freaked. "Get away from me! Just go home Chino!" Ryan got up and began to leave. He stopped in the doorway and looked back. "GO!" Summer creamed and Ryan left. And through teary eyes, she saw a letter addressed to her on the table. 


	8. Slipped Away

Song: "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne  
  
Summer didn't dare open it. Was it from Ryan? No, that wasn't his handwriting. It was Seth's. the note was from Seth. He must have wrote it before he died. But how did he know he would die? He would only know if he... No, he couldn't have. Summer began to run outside to ask Ryan, but he was already gone. It was still windy from the storm the night before. The wind chilled Summer to the bone, not because it was cold, but that Seth was gone. It didn't get very cold in Newport, but it seemed like it would never warm up.  
Summer walked inside, and the note was still there. She would have to read it sometime. Or she could burn it. That way it would be like Seth wasn't dead. No goodbye. Like it never happened. Ryan was lying. Seth wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. that was impossible. Cohen can't die. He's supposed to be by her side, all the time. It was just right. Seth and Summer. It worked. But Summer had broken up with Seth. So officially there wasn't a Seth and Summer. But what if Ryan was right, and there wasn't even a Seth? Summer forced herself not to think like that. She couldn't. Because Seth wasn't dead.  
  
"Kiki?"Caleb's voice rung over Kirsten's phone.  
"Hi Dad."  
"Where were you today?"  
"I... I was busy."  
"Too busy to come into work? Kiki, I need you."  
"I know Dad. It's just, I won't be in work for a while."  
"Why? I need you now."  
"Family emergency."  
"Kiki, I'm your father. I am family. What's wrong?"  
"I can't talk about it."  
"Kiki, what is wrong?" Kirsten didn't want to tell her father. She wanted to keep it a secret and let no one find out. But if Caleb Nichol wanted to know, he would find a way to know.  
"Dad, it's Seth." Saying his name shot a dagger into Kirsten's bleeding heart.  
"What about my grandson?" there was worry in Caleb's voice. Actual worry.  
"Dad, he's dead." The tears came crashing down.  
"I'll be right over Kiki. Don't worry."  
"Okay." Kirsten heard Caleb hang up. Ryan still wasn't home, off somewhere and Sandy had never left the room. She needed someone to hold her.  
  
Caleb Nichol was never really an emotional guy. He always tried to keep his cool, stay calm. But from what he just learned, that was all out the window. His only grandson was dead. Seth and Caleb were never that close. Seth tended to be more like his father. At least look like him. Caleb was never much of a family man. His business was his family. But he would drop everything for Kiki.  
Kirsten had always been Caleb's favorite, though he hated choosing. But Kirsten had liked to be with him. Sometimes. Hayley just liked to be off in her own world, with her own friends. Caleb and Hayley were never close either.  
Caleb was at home, after a hard day of trying not to be bankrupt. Kirsten still had no clue, and he needed her to keep them afloat. But Kirsten needed him. And Caleb would do anything for her. He grabbed his keys, and began to leave, but he was stopped by Julie.  
"Hey you." She said in a low, sexy voice.  
"Not now. I have to leave." Julie immediately came back to her normal voice.  
"What's wrong?"  
"It's Kirsten. I have to help her."  
"Can I help too?"  
"No. Sorry. I have to go." he quickly kissed Julie's cheek and left.  
  
10 minutes later, Kirsten heard the doorbell. She rushed there and Caleb was on the other side. He immediately hugged her after she opened it, and Kirsten cried harder. They stood at the door awhile, holding each other for support.  
"When did it happen?" Caleb asked after they let go of each other.  
"Yesterday." Kirsten replied as she wiped her eyes.  
"Why didn't you call me earlier?"  
"It was too much."  
"How did it happen?" Kirsten knew this question was going to come. She stared into her father's upset eyes. She didn't want to tell him. Her father, known for his pride, bravery, straight forwardness and his grandson, who couldn't even handle his own emotional pressure. They were completely opposite. "Kiki? How did it happen?"  
"He shot himself." She whispered so softly it could have been part of the wind.  
"What?"  
"He shot himself!!" Kirsten fell into her father again. He wasn't Sandy, but he still comforted her.  
"Sshh. It's okay. It's all right." Caleb tried to clam her down. "Let's just sit down and we'll talk about it."  
"I don't want to talk about it." Kirsten said as she and her father went to the couches.  
"You're gonna have to sometime."  
"No, I don't! I just don't want it to have happened."  
"I know. It's tough. But it'll be okay we'll get through it."  
"How can we? How can I go on if the one person I care for most is gone?"  
  
"I miss you/ I miss you so bad/ I don't forget you/ Oh it's so sad/ I hope you can hear me/ I remember it clearly/ The day you slipped away/ Was the day I found/ It wont be the same..."  
Seth wasn't dead. Ryan was just playing a horribly cruel joke on Summer. Seth was gonna pop up at her door and she'd scream and they would kiss and everything would be perfect. Like her and Seth always were. They were perfect for each other. A fairytale relationship. A match made in heaven.  
"I didn't get to kiss you/ Goodbye on the hand/ I wish that I could see you again/ I know that I can't/ I hope you can hear me/ I remember it clearly..."  
Summer couldn't take it anymore. She had to know what was in that note. But would it tell Summer what she didn't want to hear? That Seth was gone? Because he wasn't. But Summer needed to know what was in that note. She grabbed it off her table and opened it.  
  
Summer,  
  
I love you. I've loved you forever. And I'm sorry, but this is goodbye. You were my everything, and without you, I am nothing. A hollow shell without a soul. But you give me life. And when you ended our relationship, you ended my life. You just didn't understand. I wanted "me" time, but the whole time I thought of you, and your smile, your voice, your laugh. I shouldn't have left like I did, but I can't do confrontation. That's why I'm writing you this. Because if I see your gorgeous face again, I don't know what I'll do. Because I love you and I would've done anything for you, but you wanted to end it. You're the only person I ever truly loved and this is goodbye.  
  
Seth  
  
"I've had my wake up/ Won't you wake up/ I keep asking why/ I can't take it/ it wasn't fake/ it happened you passed by..."  
Summer blinked back the tears. This wasn't true. Ryan and Seth just had a great way of upsetting Summer. Because the whole note was fake. Summer was sure of it.  
"Now you're gone/ Now you're gone/ There you go/ There you go/ Somewhere I can't bring you back/ Now you're gone/ Now you're gone/ There you go/ There you go/ Somewhere you're not coming back/ The day you slipped away/ Was the day I found/ It won't be the same..."  
Summer crawled into a corner and denied the whole world. 


	9. Running

Kirsten woke up form a sound sleep the next morning. She had to sleep in the guest bedroom because Sandy wouldn't let her in. Her father stayed late the night before, mostly they just reminisced about old times. He spoke of a funeral and although Kirsten hated to admit it, she would have to have one. But her father had taken the duty of arranging one. Even though Caleb Nichol looked strong, he was deeply shaken by the events.  
She went downstairs and went to the kitchen. Ryan was there, pouring a cup of coffee. His hand was shaking slightly.  
"Hi." She said and took the coffee pot after Ryan was done with it. He looked extremely tired, yet at the same time, extremely awake.  
"Hi."  
"Get any sleep?"  
"No. Wasn't tired."  
"Does that have anything to do with coffee?"  
"No." He lied.  
"How much coffee have you had?"  
"Only a couple of cups." She glared at him. "Like 6."  
"You shouldn't have had all that coffee."  
"I couldn't sleep."  
"Because you had all that coffee!"  
"Sorry."  
"No, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."  
"It's fine. It happened a lot when I was younger." That made Kirsten feel worse. She knew Ryan had had a rough childhood and hated bringing it up, purposely or by accident.  
"Well, I should get Sandy."  
"Yeh." Ryan began to head outside.  
"Where are you going?"  
"Since I have all this energy to waste, I thought I would organize everything in the pool house." He lied again.  
"Okay. Hey, I didn't get to ask you. Did you tell Summer?"  
"Yeah, I did. But I don't think she believed me."  
"Oh. Well, Marissa probably knows by now too."  
"How so?"  
"I told my dad yesterday."  
"Great." Then Ryan left. Kirsten sighed and went back upstairs. She headed to her and Sandy's bedroom, which the door was presumably locked. They shouldn't have ever got locks on the bedroom doors. It caused people to alienate themselves.  
"Can I come in?" She asked. There was no answer. "Sandy, open up." Still nothing. "What good is secluding yourself? Isn't that what Seth did?" Kirsten began to cry and she sat on the floor. "Sandy, we can get through this. I know you miss him. I do too. And life is never gonna be the same. I know that. But we gotta hang on. Even though I don't want to. Because he was our everything and there's no denying that. And I feel really lost without him. Ryan can't help me and my dad can't either. Only you can. I need you. I feel so alone. I wish that I could turn back time, but I can't. That's the realization. And it's killing me inside. I need you. Please, open up. I love you." Kirsten swallowed and the tears came down harder. She heard movement int eh room and then the door opened. Sandy stood there, a tear running down his face.  
"I love you too." she got up and they hugged. She fell into his arms and had thought she had shed enough tears, but there were still so many more.  
  
Marissa walked downstairs to find Caleb and Julie sitting at the breakfast table with solemn faces. It was strange. There was no real evil to Julie Nichol's face.  
"What's up?" Marissa asked, looking at them suspiciously.  
"Marissa, sit down." Caleb ordered. Marissa did so and prayed Kaitlin would come down. But she didn't.  
"Honey, there's something you need to know." Julie started.  
"What?"  
"Two days ago, Seth Cohen..." She paused to clam herself. "He died."  
"You're not serious, are you?"  
"I'm sorry honey."  
"Excuse me." Marissa left the room and headed back upstairs. She pulled out her phone and dialed Ryan's number. It rang three times, then finally he picked up.  
"Hello?"  
"Oh God, Ryan. Is it true?"  
"Yeah." Ryan immediately knew what Marissa was talking about.  
"How? When? Why?"  
"He, he, he..." Ryan couldn't say it.  
"What? What happened?"  
"He shot himself." It took a few seconds for Marissa to comprehend.  
"He didn't do it because of what happened with Summer, right?"  
"I think he might have."  
"Does Summer know?"  
"I told her yesterday.  
"When did you guys find him?" Marissa could have been mad at Ryan for not telling her, but she understood. It must've been hell telling Summer.  
"I saw him do it."  
"Oh my God, Ryan. I'm gonna come over."  
"No, don't. I'm fine."  
"You can't be fine after that. Even if you are from Chino."  
"I'm fine Marissa. Please don't come over."  
"I don't care. I'm coming over."  
"Don't." Marissa wouldn't listen.  
"Bye."  
"Bye."  
"I love you."  
"I love you too." Marissa hung up and ran out of the house as fast as she could.  
  
Kirsten opened the door to find Marissa hugging her.  
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cohen." Marissa said. She felt horrible for what happened.  
"Thank you." Kirsten muttered. Marissa let go.  
"Where's Ryan?"  
"He's in the pool house." Marissa left the main house and headed to the pool house. The shades were drawn and the door was locked. She knocked on the door and waited. Ryan didn't come. So she knocked again. This time she heard shuffling and soon the door was open and a sleep deprived Ryan was at the door. She hugged him, but he didn't hug back. She let go and stared at him.  
"How are you doing?"  
"I should've stopped him." Ryan answered.  
"Ryan, you did all you could."  
"I should've done more." They walked inside and Marissa saw everything was on the bed, getting packed up.  
"What are you doing, Ryan?"  
"I'm gonna go back to Chino." Ryan went back to packing.  
"Why?"  
"I need to help Theresa."  
"What's the real reason?" Ryan looked over to her.  
"I can't stay here. I just can't."  
"Ryan, you can't go. I need you. The Cohens need you."  
"I already caused them too much pain."  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"They didn't even want me here in the first place!"  
"They learned to love you!" Tears formed in Marissa's eyes.  
"Yeah, maybe. But I just hurt them too much."  
"How?"  
"First I get Theresa pregnant! And then I leave! And then Seth leaves! So that upsets Summer, who breaks up with him! And he fucking kills himself!"  
"Ryan, stop."  
"For what?"  
"You can't leave us now. We need you."  
"You don't need me. I've done too much already."  
"You saved my life! I would've been dead, and if I was even lucky enough to live, I would be in rehab. And you saved Oliver from killing himself."  
"Then why couldn't I save Seth?"  
"I don't know! I don't know why people die when they do! But you can't let what you didn't do take over your life!" Ryan stood there speechless for a second, then continued packing. Years fell down Marissa's face and she didn't know what to do.  
Ryan finished packing and zipped his bags. He picked them up and began to leave.  
"I've gotta go." He said as he grabbed the bar keys still in Marissa's hand. He stalked out and Marissa followed.  
"Ryan, stop." She yelled as they went to the driveway. He unlocked the car and got in. Marissa rushed to the passenger side, but Ryan had already relocked it. "Ryan, stop!" She screamed as she pounded on the door. He turned the ignition on and pulled out. "RYAN!" She screamed one last time as she watched him drive away.  
  
Ryan sped to Chino. He knew Marissa would get right to the Cohens and they would soon be on their way. But as much as they wanted, Ryan wasn't going back. He parked in Theresa's driveway, grabbed his bags and rang the doorbell. Theresa opened the door. She was bigger than Ryan remembered.  
"Ryan. What are you doing here?" She asked.  
"Do you still need help with the baby?"  
"Yeah, I do. But I thought you were staying at the Cohens after Seth's coating accident." Ryan remembered that day vividly. The day when Sandy paid them a visit to say Seth was in an accident on his boat. That he was in the hospital. That he had almost drowned. The day Ryan left Theresa alone, just to check on Seth. Who had been okay. Who hadn't died. Too bad he later would.  
"Yeah, I was. Um, can I come in?"  
"Sure. Yeah." She let Ryan in and the house looked exactly the same when Ryan had left. They sat in the living room, Theresa in an armchair, Ryan on the couch.  
"Theresa, Seth's dead." Ryan watched Theresa's expression go from happy to a sad, yet confused one.  
"Was it from the boating accident?"  
"No. He killed himself." Theresa fell to the back of the chair to take everything in.  
"Oh my God. That's horrible. I can't believe it."  
"I know."  
"That's why you're here. You don't want to be there anymore."  
"Right. But can I stay here?"  
"Ryan, you should be with the Cohens."  
"No. No, I don't belong there."  
"Fine."  
"So, how far are you with your pregnancy?" Ryan diverted the conversation.  
"About 4 months. Only 5 more months of this pain." She smiled and looked to Ryan. He wasn't paying attention. "Ryan, if you wanna talk about it..."  
"Why couldn't I have stopped him?"  
"I don't know. But you can get through this. You're Ryan Atwood. The strongest person I know."  
"What if I can't get through this? I thought Seth could get through a breakup, but he shot himself over it! So what if this guilt keeps racking up and I jump off a bridge or something?" Ryan was lost. Theresa could tell. She had never seen him act like he was now.  
"Ryan, stop. It was his choice."  
"But I was there and I didn't stop him!"  
"You at least tried."  
"But I could've stopped him."  
"You did all you could. Everyone wishes they could do more, but they can't. What's done is done and there's no changing that."  
"I know. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and he was alive."  
"Yeah, I know. But we can't go back. And that's why this world sucks."  
"Yeah. It does, doesn't it?" Ryan laughed.  
"I see I made you laugh."  
"Yeah, you did. Thanks."  
"No problem. But think about going back to the Cohens, okay?"  
"Fine." Theresa smiled at him and hoped they would get through everything.  
  
Marissa stood in the driveway for a while. The world she once knew was now crumbling around her. Nothing was the same anymore. She was lost.  
"Marissa?" Sandy's voice came from behind her. She turned around, tears still in her eyes.  
"Oh hi, Mr. Cohen. I'm so sorry for what happened."  
"Thanks. What's wrong, Marissa?"  
"Um, can you drive me to Chino?"  
"Why?"  
"Ryan stole my car."  
"He left?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Get in the car, I'll be right back." Sandy disappeared into the house as Marissa got in his car. He quickly reappeared and they were off. They said nothing the way there. Marissa was still shaken up. Less than an hour ago, she learned her old neighbor committed suicide. It was too much.  
They reached Theresa's house, and Marissa saw her car in the driveway. She got out and accompanied Sandy at the door. He knocked at it, letting his fist slam the door with much force. Theresa was first at the door, then Ryan.  
"Hi Mr. Cohen. Marissa." Theresa said, a bit confused.  
"Hi Theresa. Can we come in?"  
"Uh..."  
"No, they can't." Ryan answered for Theresa.  
"Why can't we come in?" Sandy interrogated.  
"Because there's nothing to discuss inside. Marissa, here's you keys. Thanks for letting my borrow your car." Ryan handed Marissa her keys.  
"Ryan, I am your guardian and I am ordering you to let me in." Sandy barked.  
"Ryan, just let them in." Theresa said. With that, Ryan opened the door fully and Sandy and Marissa went in. They all sat in the living room.  
"So...." Ryan started.  
"Ryan, I want you to come home." Sandy ordered.  
"Chino is my home."  
"No, it's not. My house is."  
"No. I don't belong there. I don't belong in Newport. I belong here, with Theresa."  
"No. You belong with me and Kirsten and..."  
"Who? Seth? He doesn't live there anymore! He doesn't even live!"  
"Ryan, I know this is hard. But we'll get through it. As a family."  
" I'm not a part of your family. I'm not a part of my own family. I'm not even a part of a family!"  
"Yes, you are. You're a part of my family." Sandy had silenced Ryan. Ryan couldn't put the right words together. Marissa wanted to leave. She didn't like this situation. She wanted to run as far as she could, and get away from Ryan, Sandy, Theresa, her mother, and everyone else. She wanted to get away form Newport, Chino, California ultimately. She wanted to start a new life, somewhere far, far away. Where no one knew her and she could spin a whole new web of lies around herself. No one knew the real Marissa. Everyone just thought she was pretty, perfect, with a hint of alcoholism. No one knew the fear inside her, that was eating away at her insides. No one really knew what was going on inside Marissa. She was alone in the world. She had no real friends, as much as she thought she did. She only had Ryan. And he barely felt like a friend to her.  
She suddenly knew how Seth had felt. The emptiness inside him, the pain he felt. Marissa and Seth weren't as different as Marissa had thought they were. She wished she could have stopped him, but she wasn't even near him when it happened. But Ryan was there, and now Marissa understood the pain and guilt he had to deal with. She wished she could help Ryan, but how? His problems were inside, were only he could fix them.  
  
"Um, Ryan? Can we talk for a minute in the kitchen?" Theresa asked after a while.  
"Sure." Theresa and Ryan got up and left Sandy and Marissa in the living room.  
"What are you doing?" Theresa questioned.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Why are you doing this?"  
"Doing what?!"  
"Fighting them, Ryan! You need to be with the Cohens."  
"No I don't."  
"Yes, you do. They need you. You've become a part of their family. And they are going through the worst time of their life and you're just gonna abandon them?"  
"What do I do?"  
"Be there for them. Help them." Theresa looked back at Sandy. "Be a son to them." Ryan looked as well, and he knew he couldn't run forever. Sure, he had went back at first, but when he had to tell Summer, that killed him.  
"I can't do it."  
"Yes, you can. You are the strongest person I know. You can get through this."  
"It's different now."  
"It'll always be different. But you know where you need to be." And he did know. He had to go back with the Cohens. He inhaled deeply and went back in the living room. Both Marissa and Sandy looked at him. He exhaled.  
"Will you come?" Sandy asked, after Ryan couldn't say anything.  
"Yeh." Sandy got up and hugged Ryan . At first, he didn't know how to react, but he finally settled on hugging Sandy back. Theresa smiled from in the kitchen, and Marissa connected eyes with her, and Marissa smiled back. Ryan grabbed his two bags and went outside to put them in Sandy's car. They were about to leave when Ryan went back to Theresa. He hugged her as hard as he could without hurting the baby. "Thank you." He softly whispered in her ear.  
"Anytime." She whispered back. Ryan kissed her on the cheek and went back to Sandy's car. Sandy pulled out first, then Marissa. Theresa waved goodbye and went back in the house. She climbed the stairs and got ready for work. 


	10. Revelations

The doorbell rang back at Kirsten's house. She took one last sip of vodka and went to open it. She opened the door to find Hailey.  
"Hailey. Hi." Kirsten said, slightly confused. She got only more confused when Hailey pulled her into a hug.  
"I just heard some stuff. I'm so sorry." Hailey pulled out of the hug and stared into her older sister's eyes. "You must be a wreck."  
"Yeh. I guess I am." Kirsten and Hailey sat down in the living room.  
"I was talking to Dad and he mentioned a funeral and when I asked whose it was, he said it was Seth's. Is that true?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Oh God. I'm so sorry."  
"Thanks. Did Dad tell you when the funeral would be?"  
"Day after tomorrow."  
"Oh God." Kirsten began crying again. It seemed all Kirsten could do was cry.  
"It'll be alright."  
"No, it won't Hailey! My son is dead! I keep thinking I can get through this, but I can't! I just can't! I mean, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost!"  
"Calm down, I'll help you through it. Where's Sandy?"  
"He had to get Ryan from somewhere."  
"Kirsten, you can do this. I know you can. I know it's scary. But you can get through it."  
"I just don't know why he did it."  
"Wait, what?"  
"Seth killed himself, Hailey."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah. Now do you know what I'm dealing with?" Hailey looked down. She hadn't known how it happened. This was a huge shock to her. He nephew committed suicide. She was no longer the fun aunt.  
"I'm really sorry." That was all Hailey could think of saying.  
"I know you are. But why can't he just......come back?"  
  
Marissa ignored everyone as she bounded up the stairs and went to her room. She slammed the door, opened it, and slammed it again. She grabbed her hidden amaretto bottle and threw it at the wall. It shattered into a million pieces leaving a dent and a trail of liquor down the wall. She fell on her bed, covering her face with a pillow and screaming as loud as she could until her throat became hoarse. Marissa had no clue where all this anger was coming form. She knew it wasn't all form Seth's death, since she was mad at everyone. She guessed she had suppressed it way too long.  
Marissa heard a knock on the door, but she didn't get up to open it. Instead, the person opened it and welcomed themself in. And of course, that person was Kaitlin.  
"Hey." She said casually.  
"Hi." Marissa said, pillow off her face, looking at the ceiling.  
"Heard you flipping out."  
"Oh."  
"Need to talk about anything?"  
"No, I'm fine."  
"I think you might wanna talk about something."  
"No, I don't."  
"I think ya do."  
"No, Kaitlin, I don't."  
"I think you might."  
"No Kaitlin."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, Kaitlin."  
"Cause I think ya do."  
"Kaitlin."  
"Hey, you need to vent, I'm here." Marissa was sick of this. She finally sat up.  
"Kaitlin! I don't have anything to talk about!"  
"See, now I know you definitely do." Marissa sighed heavily and fell back to the bed. Kaitlin came over and sat on the bed. "Now, what's the problem?" Marissa stared at the ceiling.  
"Oh, I don't know. My friend just killed himself!" Marissa looked over to Kaitlin.  
"Oh. Okay. Definitely not the scenario I pictured you freaking out about."  
"Yeah."  
"So they killed themself? Holy shit."  
"Thanks for stating the obvious."  
"So who was it?" Marissa sat up again and turned to Kaitlin.  
"Our old neighbor."  
"And that would be?"  
"Seth." Marissa saw Kaitlin's perplexed look. "Seth Cohen?"  
"Still not ringing a bell."  
"Sandy and Kirsten Cohen?"  
"Oh! I remember them!"  
"Yeah. Seth was their son."  
"Wait, they have a kid?"  
"Had."  
"What was he, like 3?"  
"No. He was my age."  
"Really? Where was he?"  
"Next door."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, Kaitlin. I'm sure."  
"I really don't remember him."  
"Kaitlin!"  
"What? I'm sorry!"  
"No, he wasn't all that social. At least not until Ryan came here."  
"That would be why I don't know him."  
"I guess."  
"So I don't know the guy? I can still listen to your problems." Marissa stared at her sister. Though Kaitlin could be a little ditzy, she still was a great listener. "So what is you problem?"  
"My friend is dead, Kaitlin." Marissa accentuated her words.  
"Right. Dead friend, gotcha." Kaitlin looked extremely uncomfortable and upset.  
"What do I do?"  
"Remember the good times. Don't think of the bad times. And go to his funeral. Please go to his funeral." Kaitlin wiped a tear away from her eye. "You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go to his funeral."  
"Kaitlin, what's wrong?"  
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong." Kaitlin said as she began to cry.  
"Kaitlin, I know when something is wrong. Now tell me. What is wrong?"  
"Like a year and a half ago, my roommate. She died. I mean, we were really close. And I knew she was a little depressed. Hell, who wasn't depressed at a boarding school?" Kaitlin tried to calm herself down. "Anyways, she would tell me she thought morbid stuff. I mean, it didn't really phase me. But this, this one day, I got home from classes. And I went into the bathroom." Kaitlin's tears came down harder. "And, and she had hung herself."  
"Oh my God, Kaitlin. I never knew."  
"I didn't expect you to. But please, get closure with Seth."  
"Did you ever get closure?"  
"No." Kaitlin said, shaking her head. "I didn't go to her funeral, and I never visited her grave. I felt so bad for her parents. They had no clue. No idea what was going on with their little girl. And I felt so responsible too. I mean, why didn't I see the hints? All the morbid stuff, and everything. I wanted to run away and forget about it. I wanted so badly to go to her funeral, but I couldn't. I wanted to deny it forever."  
"Where is she buried?"  
"Connecticut."  
""I think you need to go to Connecticut."  
"Why?"  
"To get closure. If I'm gonna get closure with Seth, you have to get closure with this girl."  
"Mom would never pay for it."  
"I think she would. If she won't pay for it, hell, I'll pay for it."  
"Thank you."  
"How do we always end up talking about you?" The girls laughed through their tears.  
"I don't know. But learn from my mistakes, okay?"  
"Gotcha." She looked back at Kaitlin. "What was her name?"  
"Marilyn."  
"Aw, that's a pretty name."  
"Yeah. She was great."  
  
Hailey and Kirsten stood at Seth's door.  
"You ready?" Hailey asked, hand on doorknob.  
"Yeah. Open it." Hailey opened the door, and the room looked exactly like it did last time Kirsten had been it.  
"Never was in here. Nice room." Hailey's eyes fell upon Captain Oats. She picked it up. "What is this?"  
"Seth's plastic horse. I think his name is Captain Oats." Kirsten remembered buying that horse. It was for Seth's fourth birthday, and Kirsten thought he would love it. She couldn't believe he had kept it all this time.  
Hailey was searching through Seth's things. She was looking through a stack of books when she pulled out a book.  
"Hey look. A yearbook." She started fanning through the pages.  
"Freshman year of high school, right?"  
"Yep." Hailey answered tonelessly.  
"I think that's the only year Seth let me buy him a yearbook."  
"Um, Kirsten? Don't kids usually sign yearbooks?"  
"Yeah. What did Seth's classmates say about him?"  
"Nothing." Hailey looked up. "There are no signatures." Kirsten walked over to the bed where Hailey was sitting with the yearbook. Hailey was right. Not a single signature. Kirsten took the book from Hailey. She started flipping through it viciously, looking for any sign of pen mark.  
She finally found some. A heart around Summer Roberts' photo.  
"Maybe he was sick during those yearbook signing days." Kirsten tried.  
"Do you remember him being sick?"  
"No!" The tears started again. Her head fell on Hailey's shoulders. "Hailey! I was a horrible mother!"  
"No. You aren't. You are a wonderful mother."  
"Then why did he kill himself?!"  
"I don't know." Kirsten lifted her head and looked at Hailey.  
"How could I have been so blind? So blind that I didn't see that my son was alone? No wonder he never wanted a birthday party! He knew no one would've come!"  
"Kirsten, calm down. You are a great mother."  
"No I wasn't! He didn't even have a friend in a pet!"  
"Maybe he was friends with....Captain Oats?" Hailey offered.  
"Oh God! My son was friends with a fucking plastic horse!"  
"Kirsten?" Both Kirsten and Hailey looked back to find Sandy and Ryan at the doorway.  
"Sandy." Kirsten couldn't say any more. She bolted out of the room, barely missing Sandy and Ryan.  
"Kirs......ten." Hailey tried.  
"What was that? And why were you in here?" Sandy asked.  
"We thought we could get some good memories of Seth from his room. Didn't really work out the way we planned."  
"And she ran out for what reason?"  
"We found Captain Oats, I guess that's his name..."  
"Yeah."  
"And we also found a yearbook. A blank yearbook."  
"What do you mean, a 'blank yearbook'?"  
"No one ever signed it."  
"Oh God. I'm gonna go check on Kirsten." Sandy left Ryan and Hailey.  
"So. How are you dealing with it?" Hailey asked.  
"I don't really know."  
"Oh." Ryan walked into the room and stopped at a point.  
"Ya know, he was standing right here when he did it."  
"Did what?"  
"Shoot himself."  
"So that's how he did it?"  
"Yeah."  
"Wow."  
"And I was standing right where you're standing."  
"You saw him do it."  
"Yeah. Some of his last words were 'It's over. It's already gone too far.' And I tried to stop him, but he said, 'I'm sorry,' and then he shot himself."  
"That's rough."  
"I know. I was in front of someone before who was gonna do that, but I stopped him. But I couldn't stop Seth."  
"I guess you can't always be the hero, can you?" 


	11. Goodbye

Song: "Try" by Nelly Furtado  
  
"Kirsten?" Sandy knocked on the bathroom door.  
"What?!" Kirsten screamed back tearfully.  
"Come out."  
"No."  
"Please?"  
"No!" Kirsten paused. "They're burying him the day after tomorrow! They're putting him six feet under, in a dark, and cold place."  
"We'll cremate him." Sandy tried.  
"I don't want to turn him into ash! I want him to be right next to me!"  
"That can't happen honey."  
"Why can't it? I'd give up everything for him to come back?"  
"All the good memories of him?"  
"If he was back, we would make more."  
"What about me? Ryan? Hailey? Your dad? If you gave us all up, you wouldn't have Seth."  
"I just want him back."  
"I know you do, but you just can't."  
"I was the worst mother."  
"What?"  
"He was so alone, and I never knew it."  
"He had us."  
"That's it. Not a single friend. No one."  
"He at least had us."  
"Doesn't matter Sandy. We fucked up his life so badly."  
"Kirsten, open up." And much to Sandy's amazement, he heard a click and the door opened.  
"I wish I could have said goodbye."  
"I know. I do too."  
"I wish I could have told him I loved him."  
"He knows we loved him."  
"Most of all, I wish I could have hugged him one last time, to take that gun out of his hand and throw it away." Sandy and Kirsten hugged as tightly as they could.  
  
Kirsten, Sandy, and Ryan were all sitting down to dinner as Hailey was leaving.  
"Hailey?" Kirsten called as she ran into the living room.  
"Yeah?" Hailey said when she turned around.  
"Do you want to eat dinner with us?"  
"You probably don't have enough food."  
"I always order too much." Kirsten smiled and Hailey joined them. They ate in silence. Seth's seat was empty. They all stared at it, hoping that if they stared long enough, Seth would suddenly pop up and start rambling. But he didn't.  
No one knew what to say. It was the first real dinner without Seth. He usually kept the dinner conversations going, being by far the most talkative. Halfway through, Kirsten was almost in tears and soon she couldn't stop them from coming down. They were silent, not disturbing the silence enveloping them. The only noise there was, was forks and knives hitting the plates or a glass being set down.  
Finally, after a painful half an hour, dinner was over. Hailey quickly said goodbye and left. As Ryan began to retreat to the pool house with his bags, Kirsten stopped him.  
"Ryan, why don't you stay upstairs, in the guest bedroom?"  
"I'm fine in the pool house...."  
"Please." Ryan thought for a moment, then finally answered.  
"Okay."  
"And I know this might be hard, but could you maybe, possibly, give the ulugy at Seth'sShe stopped. Ryan knew what she wanted to say, but couldn't.  
"Are you sure you want me to do it?"  
"Positive. So will you?"  
"Yeah."  
"Thank you." Tears fell down Kirsten's face. "Good night, Ryan. I'll see you tomorrow." Kirsten began to go up the stairs, but then she stopped. She turned around and faced Ryan. "I love you." This floored Ryan. No one that was like a parental figure had ever said that to him. He didn't know how to react at first.  
"I love you too." Ryan said back to Kirsten. She smiled and now, tears of happiness joined her tears of sadness falling down her face. She went upstairs to her room.  
Ryan stood there for a while, thinking about what he had just said. It was strange saying those words to Kirsten. She was the closest to a mother he had. And he had meant every one of those words. The Cohens were his family.  
Ryan climbed the stairs and went to the guest bedroom.  
  
"And now, Ryan Atwood would like to say a few words about Seth." The rabbi said. Ryan looked up. He had been dreading this moment since Kirsten had asked him to give the ulugy. He stood up and walked to the stand.  
"Hello, I'm Ryan Atwood, a friend of Seth's. About a year ago, I was arrested, and pretty much had nothing going for me. But then, Sandy Cohen, Seth's dad, became my public defender. He saved me from juvie, and was even nice enough to let me stay in his house with him, his wife, and his son. At first, me and Seth didn't really get along. But after a fist fight against the water polo team, we became friends. He helped me get used to Newport, since now I was permanently staying there, with the help of his neighbor, Marissa Cooper." Ryan looked at Marissa, who smiled tearfully.  
"Seth was my best friend, my brother even. He was fun to be around, always making sarcastic comments, and making you smile. He was an all- around good guy. Which makes it harder to believe he did what he did.  
"It was one of the rare times I actually wanted to talk. I was having difficulties with my girlfriend, so I decided to go to Seth for help. The door had been locked, and when I talked to him, he seemed extremely upset. When you live in Chino, you learn how to pick locks. So, using those skills, I unlocked the door and found Seth.  
"It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I tried to stop him, but I wasn't able to. Every minute I wish I had stopped him. He thought he didn't matter, that no one would miss him. But he was wrong. There are so many people who care about him.  
"After it happened, I tried to run. More than once. But the farther I was away from here, the more I realized that this is where I needed to be. I was afraid of what would come, and I still am. I don't know what is going to come next. No one does. You can't predict the future and you can't go back to the past.  
"Every step you make and every thought you have changes your future. So it's completely unpredictable. There is probably a million things, small or large, that if we had done something different, we wouldn't be here at this moment and maybe Seth would be alive.  
"Everything happens at the time it does for a reason. Maybe it was Seth's time to go or maybe he was taken too early, I don't know. But I do know this. As horrible as it may seem at the moment, there is good hidden amidst it."  
  
"You put some good words together." A voice came from behind Ryan. He was sitting in the Cohens' dining room, eating. The funeral was over, Seth was in the ground, and all the attendees were invited back to the Cohens for food. Ryan looked behind him. There stood Anna, looking quite awkward in a plain black dress that went to her knees.  
"Anna. Hi." Ryan greeted her. He hadn't seen Anna for so long. Not since he drove Seth to the airport, Seth trying to stop her from going to Pittsburgh. Obviously, that failed.  
"Hey. So, that speech was really good."  
"Thanks." He paused. "How did you know?"  
"Know what?"  
"About Seth."  
"Oh. Mrs. Cohen called me yesterday." Ryan remembered vaguely Kirsten saying she was calling some people from out of town about Seth. Lately, everything seemed to go by in a flash. But today, it had slowed down.  
"So how's things in Pittsburgh?"  
"Well, as of yesterday, going downhill pretty fast."  
"Oh. But don't you usually go to Tahiti every summer?"  
"Yeah. I had decided not to go to Tahiti until later this summer, but I don't think I'm going to go at all now."  
"Why? Because of Seth?"  
"Yeah. I think I'm going to stay in Newport for a bit."  
"Cool." Ryan spotted Marissa coming towards them. She came, still a tiny bit red in the face from crying.  
"Hey Ryan." She noticed Anna. "Anna, hey. I didn't know you were here. When did you get in?"  
"Earlier this morning." Anna answered. "Well, I'm going to go get something to eat. Bye guys." Anna left Ryan and Marissa to themselves.  
"Ya know, I think that is the most words you ever said in a row." Marissa sat down.  
"Thanks."  
"It was really good." She paused, looking around. "Did you know Luke's here?"  
"Why?"  
"Because I called him."  
"Again, why?"  
"Because he should know. I didn't tell him to come to the funeral, so don't freak out."  
"All he did to Seth was hit him."  
"But he turned out to be a good guy."  
"Who slept with your mom."  
"Ryan."  
"What?"  
"I know you miss him, I do too. But you can't let your anger out on everyone."  
"I'm not."  
"Yes, you are Ryan. You're not the only one who misses him. Everyone is going through this."  
"Well, did everyone watch him die?"  
"No, but...."  
"My point."  
"Fine Ryan. You know, you think you're the only one who misses him. You're wrong. Every single person here does! The world doesn't revolve around you. So if you want to be angry at the world and alone, then by all means go ahead. I won't be in your way." Marissa go up, sprouting fresh new tears and walked away.  
  
Yet again, Ryan found himself staring into the ocean from the Pier. He had to be away from all those people. He couldn't stand them. But maybe Marissa was right. Everyone was going through his death, not just Ryan. Right at the moment, he did hate the world, but he knew that it wouldn't last. All I know is everything not as it's sold But the more I grow, the less I know And I have lived so many lives Though I'm not old And the more I see, the less I grow...  
Eventually he would have to face them all again. Most of the people in there did not know how he died, for Sandy and Kirsten thought it would be too hard. Nana Cohen was there too. No one would've thought she would outlive her grandson. No one thought they would be attending Seth Cohen's funeral so prematurely. I wish I hadn't seen all the realness And all the real people are really not real at all The more I learn, the more I cry As I say goodbye to a way of life I thought I had designed for me...  
Ryan had seen people that never spoke a word to Seth, attend his funeral. Maybe they just used to know him, or possibly they just wanted the free food at the end.  
Maybe the funeral made it final, because Seth's death didn't seem as real as before. He knew he couldn't change anything, but it still felt like this was some screwed up nightmare. In the back of his mind, every minute he wished pink elephants would float across the sky or suddenly Seth would appear and tell them that he was actually faking his death and had joined the circus, and he came back to beg everyone to join the circus with him. But those did not come, and this was real.  
"Ryan..." He heard his name whispered softly behind him. He turned around to see Marissa's tear-stained face, with tears still coming down.  
"Marissa?"  
"I never should have said what I did. I was wrong. I'm sorry." She broke into heavier sobs and Ryan rushed over to her. She fell into him for support. Then I see you standing there Wanting more from me And all I can do is try...  
"Ryan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry, but I can't stop. He's gone. He's really gone. I said such mean stuff to him, then I said mean things to you. But I thought such mean things about him, he probably hated me."  
"No, he didn't."  
"How do you know?"  
"I don't know.......That's the problem." Then I see you standing there I'm all I'll ever be But all I can do is try....  
  
Ryan, Marissa, and Summer stood by his grave. Summer finally believed the truth, that Seth was gone. The wind was blowing lightly, trying to dry Marissa and Summer's tears.  
"I can't believe it. He's gone." Ryan said softly.  
"He shouldn't have done it." Summer commented.  
"You never know how short life can be." Marissa added.  
"You never miss something until it's finally gone." Summer's words silenced them. It was the end of an era, a chapter of their lives. No one would be the same. Someone was gone, and the rest were still there.  
Flowers surrounded his grave, placed by family, and the small amount of friends. None of them thought it would end so fast, a life held so dearly in their hearts. Someone who changed their lives, someone no one wanted to see go.  
"Goodbye Seth." Summer placed a dozen roses on his grave. "We love you and miss you." The wind picked up fast, lifting the girls' hair, and leaving goose-bumps on all their necks. Seth was there, all around them. Summer smiled and tearfully walked away. Marissa soon followed, but stopped when Ryan did not follow.  
"Ryan? You coming?" She asked.  
"Yeah, just hold on." Ryan then spoke to the grave. "Bye man. I'm really gonna miss you. You're my brother and I love ya. But this, I guess this is goodbye." Ryan left the grave and went to Marissa. They walked away, leaving a part of their lives behind.  
  
Well, this is the end and I hoped you all liked it. I hope to be making a sequel to this, so look out for it. I also have two other stories, the end of summer, and the things you don't know. Thank you all for your comments, they were greatly appreciated. Ali 


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